Saturday night, Baba- My father in law passed away.

He died at the age of 79 of a severe heart attack. His passing away was in line with his overall life philosophy-simple, unobtrusive, ensuring that his family was not put to trouble.

To say that he was more of a father than a father in law would be an understatement. While many thought that he was unambitious and a simple man- to me in many ways, Baba was my role model – role model of how a parent should be. Between the two set of parents (parents and parents-in-law); for me he ranked high on how a parent must be.

When I got married twenty one years back in 1991; Baba was the one who tried to be my support and anchor in adjusting to a new house.  My in-laws had lost a son at the young age of 17 to cancer. His untimely death six years before my marriage had left the couple devastated. In the years that followed his death; my mother-in-law had been severely affected by the loss of her son.  While her husband and children went to office; she constantly grieved his death and how she could have avoided it. The loss of her beloved son made her bitter, suspecting and acidic.  My father in law never spoke much – but in a very silent way he showed he cared for me. During 1993, I was in my final trimester of pregnancy and carrying my first son. I worked at New Bombay which was a far ride from my place. Both he and mother in law stayed with us. But my Mother in Law had to go and stay with her daughter because she too was in the advanced stages of pregnancy.

For me, Baba became the mother. Every morning, he ensured that I had my breakfast and carried a tiffin. Every evening, when I came back, I would find that Baba had cut the vegetables, kept the cooker and made my life so much simpler. In the ninth month, when I left for my mother’s place, I often remembered the care I got from him. When I was admitted in the hospital; Baba was in a temple in south Mumbai. As soon as he came to know that I was admitted – he rushed to the maternity home. He passed his old hands through my head and prayed. Without saying a word he managed to convey his love.. It was a difficult delivery and throughout the night as I struggled in pain , Baba sat with my mother in the maternity ward. Early morning- when the Doctor decided to do a ceasearan, Baba signed the approval form even as we waited for my husband to come in.  My first born son was a healthy seven and half pound baby- fair and chubby. Baba came back with my mother in law – the pride and love evident on his face. Both tried to search for their lost son in their grandsons face. In the following months, even as I resumed work, Baba assumed the role of a grandfather with great ease. He would feed the child, play with him, take him down for long walks. And he did all this –without even once making me feel that he was doing anything out of the way.

Later as years passed by ; my mother in law build a house in native place and wanted to build a small garden around it- my father in law preferred to stay with us. I know he was happiest when he was with his children and grandchildren. My husband chose to take up a job in southeast Asia and I and my son went with him in 1996. Before going to SouthEast Asia, I booked a larger house in Mumbai and gave power of attorney to my father in law and made him a joint account holder on my bank accounts-such was my trust and confidence in him. My father in law managed all the transactions; kept accounts and ensured that our money was always put to good use. Today, when I hear from friends and acquaintances of the difficulties they face with their in-laws; I realize how lucky I was to be protected by an angel like him.

As some more years passed; I and my son returned back to Mumbai while my husband continued in South East Asia. I got a job with a software company and got opportunities to travel internationally on assignments. In 1999, I got my first opportunity to travel to US for 2 months when my son was 6 years old. I remember the pride he took in my opportunity, the help and support he provided me so that I could go without any apprehensions about my son. He and my mother in law took great care of the grandson.  Whenever, I would be back from international assignments, Baba would ensure that my favourite fish curry was made. His love for his family was unconditional- he wanted his children to prosper; it was as if he understood that if the woman of the house was happy  -the family benefited. I often felt he did more for me even than his own daughter.

Between my mother in law and father in law; my mother in law was always more ambitious, aggressive and definitely smarter.  Baba was the perfect foil- understanding, caring, gentle and always supportive. I often marvelled at his maturity in dealing with difficult people.

Later with age, my mother –in-law’s eccentric nature  acquired a new dimension – she became controlling, easily irritable and wanted to retire into her own independent space. Baba wanted to stay with us- his children and grandchildren. The more he resisted; the more difficult things got. My Mother in law insisted on buying  an apartment near her daughters place. While my husband tried to talk her into and finally argued against taking such an extreme step – she did not budge from her stand. He even offered that Baba stay with us and she could stay in the new place and come back whenever she felt like. But Baba did not accept that ; it would not have been possible for him to leave her alone he said. And so unwillingly he left. I wished that they would find peace and happiness in the new place where they could be alone. But as years passed; things worsened. By now, my Mother -In-laws nature had worsened. She could not get along with her daughter and her husband who stayed some distance away. While they were well-meaning and would try to provide support to the old couple from time to time- she build apprehensions about their intentions to help them.

All this time; Baba bore the brunt of her increasing eccentricity. A couple of times, when it became unbearable – he would come away to our house. Once, in a moment of emotion, he told me that he took her away from us so that our lives were not affected. In the last couple of years, I saw him breakdown in spirit and health. While he was not afflicted with any major ailment – he seemed to have grown frail. He also became a little more detached and spent most of his day in a nearby temple.  Last 2-3 years whenever he came to our home for Ganpati celebrations – as he sang Bhajans – I felt he was calling God to take him away. Two weeks back, he and my mother in law had come home and stayed overnight. In the morning, I helped them with their bank transactions. While my husband and mother in law sat in the car; I and Baba went to the bank and completed the work. As we were climbing down the steep stairs- I realized he was now not able to see properly and needed my support to climb down safely. Though perhaps we all knew that slowly his time was coming; we didn’t realize it would be so sudden. As it happens in such cases; when people pass away suddenly- a lot remained unsaid.

I often feel that parents can either be their children’s greatest strength or their greatest weakness and Baba was definitely his children’s strength. His love was unconditional; he wanted his children to do well and was ready to sacrifice a lot to make sure they were happy. And his greatness lay in the fact that he did a lot for his children without even once making them feel that he had done anything great or exceptional.  I hope- I am able to imbibe some of his greatness, continue the tradition and be my children’s support system.

Baba- you will always be my role model!!