Money is what money does...

Of late, I have been thinking about my relationship with money..

Twenty years back, when I started married life I did not have much savings. I was only 22-23 years old, had worked hardly for 2 years and money did not really figure high on my priority list then. As a child, I had been fortunate enough to have been born in a middle class family where both parents worked. As a result, money was never an issue. It also helped that my needs were few – I was not very interested in clothes, shoes, watches and truly believed in ‘Simple living and High thinking’. Looking back, I think I was totally oblivious to the power of money then.

Married early (as per today’s standards); I gradually realized the need and importance of money. In the initial years of our marriage; we lived with my husband’s parents in a small house. So buying a bigger house of our own was our first priority.  That is when I started to realize the importance of money. The builder would send an instalment demand letter nearly every alternate month. As a young couple, our savings were meagre and money to pay for the house was always an issue. The fact that I stayed pregnant also added to our challenges. There were times towards the end of the month when we hardly had enough money only to cover our travel to and fro to office. I did not even keep a maid so that I could save some money. That period helped me realize the importance of money. We were young and hopeful and I must say in my mind, somehow I felt that money would come (though I didn’t know from where).

And so finally we had a house- but no money to buy much for the house. Slowly over a period, we bought the necessities and settled.  Within two years though, my husband decided to take up a job in South East Asia. Before leaving, he invested in a second house. I and my son accompanied him. I gave up my job and stayed at home for the next 18 months. The first six months went well. We were very aware that the savings from this job would need to go in financing the second house and so we spent cautiously. I learnt to manage the house in a small budget and put away the rest of the money towards paying for the house. I learnt to rationalize what was a necessity and what was luxury. However, six months down the line, economic crisis in South East Asia deepened. The Money that was in the bank there in local currency devalued substantially and our savings were reduced to nearly one-tenth of the original value. We were at a fix on how to manage paying to the Builder. We borrowed from parents and relatives. As things worsened, we decided that I should come back to India and look for a job while he stayed put there in the hope of the economy improving and see if we could recover the money.

I came back in 1998; and 3-4 months later got a job with an IT company.  Once I started working, I applied for a home loan and slowly paid off the money we owed to our relatives. In this period, I watched my father in law closely and how he managed the house very well with limited money. Two years later my husband also came back and joined a consulting company. It’s been more than a decade now and our financial struggles are a subject of the past.  

Having seen days with no money- we invested wisely over the years. But when I think about my present and my past- I see a lot of differences.

 The days with no money were some of the best days in my life. They taught me invaluable lessons.

• ·   When we bought our own little first house or even the second house; there was an immense sense of achievement. Even during the entire journey of buying the house and sacrificing our current needs for future ones- there was a sense of anticipation and of building something of our own together. In later years, when we earned money adequately- I have not been able to sense that achievement and pride.

• ·         When money was in short supply, I tried to compensate by putting more efforts. Example, doing all the work by myself without any domestic help, teaching the kid by myself, putting all that we bought to good use. That gave a certain sense of satisfaction of looking well after the family. In recent years, the fact that I don’t always make the best use of resources and am not able to give adequate time for the family weighs down on me.

• ·         I am fortunate that Money is no more the prime consideration for working. It is no more the key motivator. And yet, sometimes career and work considerations take over my entire life. I sometimes feel emotionally drained and physically tired. Of late, I wonder if I had adequate money invested- would I still continue working. And then how much is really enough?  I am no more in the prime of youth with high optimism and confidence that things will work out and that I am physically fit to turn around things always to my advantage. I realize even more than ever that I need to put away enough money so that I can secure my retirement and do the things that I always wanted to do. And yet, I wonder whether physically by the time I retire I will have the energy to do all that I have wanted to do.

• ·   There are times when I think, in my earlier years money was important so that we could buy the most important things to live our present lives. Now money is important more for providing for the future (the children’s education, retirement).    And yet there are times; I am worried that the future is taking over our present.
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I am glad that I can put my money to good use – donate for a good cause, buy the books that I want to read and help a friend or relative in need. And yet, I also realize that money cannot always compensate for time and effort that you can devote to a cause.

So, eventually, I have reached a conclusion that ‘Money is what money does...’

On this day of Laxmipujan; I pray to God to give me the capability and opportunity to earn and the wisdom to spend it wisely.

The accident and the aftermath...

Two weeks back when travelling to the Pune office, I met with an car accident.

I had started early in the morning at five so as to reach on time for presentation to a client at 9.30am at the Pune office. One moment, I remember dozing off and it seemed that the next moment I opened my eyes and looked at my hands- there was tissue and blood on my hands and the driver had opened the door and was pleading with me to open my eyes. For a moment, I remember wondering whether all this was real or was I seeing a dream. But it was real.. I felt a sense of pain.

By then the driver had stopped the car behind and the people in the car behind were pleading with me to get up and sit in their car. With great difficulty I got up and went and sat in the car behind. I asked the driver to take my laptop bag, my purse and cell. I lay down on the seat behind and asked them to keep something below my head. The driver called up the office and the admin guy insisted on speaking to me. So I spoke to him and asked him to message that I wouldn't be able to reach for the presentation.

The driver knew Pavana hospital and I was immediately taken over there. Since there seemed to be a big gash on the head, I was immediately taken in for a CT Scan. Internal injury was ruled out and the attending Doctors decided to put stitches. I was given 5-6 anesthetic injections on the forehead and was given 15 stitches. By then somebody from Office had reached and I was moved to Aditya Birla Memorial Hospital - because it was an head injury and the hospital had very good medical facilities.

I called up my husband ; by then he already had come to know and was on the way to Pune. I told him I was now safe and that he must not drive fast. In the new hospital, again all tests were conducted and internal damage was ruled out. Colleagues from Pune office who came to know quickly rushed and there were calls from my Mumbai team to inquire. My mother and brother called up from Bangalore and were relieved to hear my voice.

Finally, I had to stay for 8 days in the hospital. I had to go through a surgery by a cosmetic surgeon for 2-3 hrs to reduce the impact of the wound. For the first week, I had a spinning sensation everytime I tried to sit. My brother flew down immediately from Bangalore to be with me for the first two three days and then my mother in law insisted on coming and looking after me. My husband went back to be with the kids. I am back home now, able to stand on my feet - though there are few moments of the spinning sensation. The scar has healed well and the cosmetic surgery really helped to reduce the impact.

Some of what I realized during these two weeks :
(1) For a month before the accident, I had been continuously feeling a sense of fatigue and wanting to slow down and rest. I wondered in my mind on why I always wanted to do everything perfectly - on time with great quality on both professional and personal front. I was realizing that it was impacting my health. I badly needed rest.But I kept putting off an holiday thinking I would utilize my leave later in more pressing situations. Was the universe listening to my thoughts and conspired to make it happen? I needed to detach and see things from a different angle and this accident helped me to do that.

(2) I realize that though the accident was major, there were many positives - the driver was not hurt and so could fetch help, the car behind stopped on time and knew that Pavana hospital was nearby, they were willing to carry me there. Medical help was provided promptly. While the gash on the head was severe, luckily there were no internal injuries and the brain, eyes, teeth, spine were safe. Though one has to face difficult situations, God was there to protect me and ensure that the impact was minimized. Since the accident  happened just 10 days before Ganesh Chaturthi I was worried on how we would be able to manage. Just three days before Ganesh Chaturthi I was able to stand and walk only with help. But, by the time Ganesh Chaturthi came, I was up on my feet and able to do everything exactly like years before. God made sure  of that !!

(3) Family, friends, colleagues and relatives all really came through. They came to see me, sent messages and cared. My brother for the first 2-3 days did not leave my side. My mother prayed continuously for hours till I was out of danger. My mother-in-law insisted on being with me - she told me once how important it was that I was there for my children - till they grew up and had their own families to love and protect them. I realized how important I was for my husband and children.

I was married young at twenty-two and my husband  then was twenty-six. We have nearly grown a lifetime in the last twenty-one years of marriage. We may have had our moments of trouble, but, somehow, I felt the marriage had become rock solid -that we both knew we needed each other. That without the partnership -our life would perhaps not be the same...

Growing up...

Last week, a colleague of mine send me a beautiful marathi song sung by a young boy. The words went something like this:

Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai

Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai

Mhanoonach tar sodoon toola laamb gelo naahee

(The boy sings to his mother - "I knew you would be afraid to be left alone and that is why I didnt leave you alone...") 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGf_-rdLK_A&feature=related

Bought back memories of a time long back; when my son was 6 years old and I went to the US for a short assignment of 2 months. I worried about how he would cope without me (given that my husband was also not in India at that time).

My in-laws were there for him and I knew they would take care of him but a mothers heart worried about how he would take it. He sat in a pensive mood and when I asked him if he was worried about something- he said he was worried how I would sleep alone and who would look after me now that he was not there with me. He had the habit of putting his hand under my head when sleeping(he thought he protected me..). I still cherish the bond we shared in those days. For a long time, I think I didn't think of him as somebody other than me. 

As he grew up into an adolescent, teenager and now a young man, it took me time to realize that he was an individual in his own right; that I could not protect him all his life. We went through a lot of heated arguments in those years because of this. I wanted to hold the line and wanted him to do everything right and not take any risks. On the other hand, he wanted to experience life, follow the diktats of his heart and take his own decisions- whether right or wrong

Over the years; I guess we have made peace with each other. It helps that the major teenage years are over. Earlier, he would resent my calling him up at regular intervals and checking where he was, he would resent my inputs on whom he should hang around with and whom he shouldn't. It hurt that friends were more important than perhaps family.

But things are changing again. Now, I find he keeps a regular schedule for college, gym, friends and is back home generally by 8pm. If he is delayed- he makes it a point to call up and inform. The communication flows much more easily and I am simply glad that the more stressful teenage years are behind us. In spite of the generation gap, I also realize he has picked up some values and thoughts from me - so all is not really lost.

It was a slow and painful realization, but I realized that I cannot protect and plan his entire life for him. I have to accept he is his own individual, has his own life and has to make his own decisions. Along with moments of joy,  happiness and success, there will be perhaps moments of difficulties. As a mother,I can only pray to God for his happiness, to remove all difficulties from his life and to give him wisdom in handling challenges. 

And I can offer him a place where he knows he can always come back to feel loved and replenished.

Saturday night, Baba- My father in law passed away.

He died at the age of 79 of a severe heart attack. His passing away was in line with his overall life philosophy-simple, unobtrusive, ensuring that his family was not put to trouble.

To say that he was more of a father than a father in law would be an understatement. While many thought that he was unambitious and a simple man- to me in many ways, Baba was my role model – role model of how a parent should be. Between the two set of parents (parents and parents-in-law); for me he ranked high on how a parent must be.

When I got married twenty one years back in 1991; Baba was the one who tried to be my support and anchor in adjusting to a new house.  My in-laws had lost a son at the young age of 17 to cancer. His untimely death six years before my marriage had left the couple devastated. In the years that followed his death; my mother-in-law had been severely affected by the loss of her son.  While her husband and children went to office; she constantly grieved his death and how she could have avoided it. The loss of her beloved son made her bitter, suspecting and acidic.  My father in law never spoke much – but in a very silent way he showed he cared for me. During 1993, I was in my final trimester of pregnancy and carrying my first son. I worked at New Bombay which was a far ride from my place. Both he and mother in law stayed with us. But my Mother in Law had to go and stay with her daughter because she too was in the advanced stages of pregnancy.

For me, Baba became the mother. Every morning, he ensured that I had my breakfast and carried a tiffin. Every evening, when I came back, I would find that Baba had cut the vegetables, kept the cooker and made my life so much simpler. In the ninth month, when I left for my mother’s place, I often remembered the care I got from him. When I was admitted in the hospital; Baba was in a temple in south Mumbai. As soon as he came to know that I was admitted – he rushed to the maternity home. He passed his old hands through my head and prayed. Without saying a word he managed to convey his love.. It was a difficult delivery and throughout the night as I struggled in pain , Baba sat with my mother in the maternity ward. Early morning- when the Doctor decided to do a ceasearan, Baba signed the approval form even as we waited for my husband to come in.  My first born son was a healthy seven and half pound baby- fair and chubby. Baba came back with my mother in law – the pride and love evident on his face. Both tried to search for their lost son in their grandsons face. In the following months, even as I resumed work, Baba assumed the role of a grandfather with great ease. He would feed the child, play with him, take him down for long walks. And he did all this –without even once making me feel that he was doing anything out of the way.

Later as years passed by ; my mother in law build a house in native place and wanted to build a small garden around it- my father in law preferred to stay with us. I know he was happiest when he was with his children and grandchildren. My husband chose to take up a job in southeast Asia and I and my son went with him in 1996. Before going to SouthEast Asia, I booked a larger house in Mumbai and gave power of attorney to my father in law and made him a joint account holder on my bank accounts-such was my trust and confidence in him. My father in law managed all the transactions; kept accounts and ensured that our money was always put to good use. Today, when I hear from friends and acquaintances of the difficulties they face with their in-laws; I realize how lucky I was to be protected by an angel like him.

As some more years passed; I and my son returned back to Mumbai while my husband continued in South East Asia. I got a job with a software company and got opportunities to travel internationally on assignments. In 1999, I got my first opportunity to travel to US for 2 months when my son was 6 years old. I remember the pride he took in my opportunity, the help and support he provided me so that I could go without any apprehensions about my son. He and my mother in law took great care of the grandson.  Whenever, I would be back from international assignments, Baba would ensure that my favourite fish curry was made. His love for his family was unconditional- he wanted his children to prosper; it was as if he understood that if the woman of the house was happy  -the family benefited. I often felt he did more for me even than his own daughter.

Between my mother in law and father in law; my mother in law was always more ambitious, aggressive and definitely smarter.  Baba was the perfect foil- understanding, caring, gentle and always supportive. I often marvelled at his maturity in dealing with difficult people.

Later with age, my mother –in-law’s eccentric nature  acquired a new dimension – she became controlling, easily irritable and wanted to retire into her own independent space. Baba wanted to stay with us- his children and grandchildren. The more he resisted; the more difficult things got. My Mother in law insisted on buying  an apartment near her daughters place. While my husband tried to talk her into and finally argued against taking such an extreme step – she did not budge from her stand. He even offered that Baba stay with us and she could stay in the new place and come back whenever she felt like. But Baba did not accept that ; it would not have been possible for him to leave her alone he said. And so unwillingly he left. I wished that they would find peace and happiness in the new place where they could be alone. But as years passed; things worsened. By now, my Mother -In-laws nature had worsened. She could not get along with her daughter and her husband who stayed some distance away. While they were well-meaning and would try to provide support to the old couple from time to time- she build apprehensions about their intentions to help them.

All this time; Baba bore the brunt of her increasing eccentricity. A couple of times, when it became unbearable – he would come away to our house. Once, in a moment of emotion, he told me that he took her away from us so that our lives were not affected. In the last couple of years, I saw him breakdown in spirit and health. While he was not afflicted with any major ailment – he seemed to have grown frail. He also became a little more detached and spent most of his day in a nearby temple.  Last 2-3 years whenever he came to our home for Ganpati celebrations – as he sang Bhajans – I felt he was calling God to take him away. Two weeks back, he and my mother in law had come home and stayed overnight. In the morning, I helped them with their bank transactions. While my husband and mother in law sat in the car; I and Baba went to the bank and completed the work. As we were climbing down the steep stairs- I realized he was now not able to see properly and needed my support to climb down safely. Though perhaps we all knew that slowly his time was coming; we didn’t realize it would be so sudden. As it happens in such cases; when people pass away suddenly- a lot remained unsaid.

I often feel that parents can either be their children’s greatest strength or their greatest weakness and Baba was definitely his children’s strength. His love was unconditional; he wanted his children to do well and was ready to sacrifice a lot to make sure they were happy. And his greatness lay in the fact that he did a lot for his children without even once making them feel that he had done anything great or exceptional.  I hope- I am able to imbibe some of his greatness, continue the tradition and be my children’s support system.

Baba- you will always be my role model!!

The language of silence

It took me a long time to realize that silence has a language of its own- that sometimes silence can convey much more than words.

Five years back, we decided to send our thirteen year old son to a residential school for his ninth and tenth grade. A difficult decision but was needed in his interest or so we thought.

The school was around two and half hours drive from Mumbai. I looked forward to talking to him on the phone every weekend - but quickly realized that the phone masks many a emotions. And, so I waited for him to come home for  a short stay. Two and half months into the school year, and the school authorities decided to send the children back for a short break of four days. We were conveyed the location and timing for the pickup. I went to pick him up at the and waited for a long time for the bus to arrive. While I waited for the bus to arrive, I reflected over our decision to send him away. Finally, the bus arrived and my son got out looking taller and leaner. My heart was filled with a lot of different emotions - hard to describe.

On the way back home, I asked a lot of questions- how was the school, the food how were the friends and the the facilities? He said school was good and he had made good friends, but he didn't seem to be in a mood to talk much.

Back home, I had cooked some of his favorite snacks. He put on the TV and ate the snacks with great relish. I sat on the floor opposite to  him with a cup of tea. As I sipped tea, I wondered whether the distance had made him grow up, whether he was sad, angry or just uninterested now that he had a new life.  I had realized also, that as boys grow up they don't like to express their feelings, nor appreciate others making too much of a fuss. And so I kept quiet.

Imagine my surprise when after he finished eating, he came down sat next to me and put his head on my lap and watched TV. Both of us didn't say a word to each other, but the silence spoke volumes. Perhaps, both of us wanted a reassurance that we were still there for each other. As I passed my fingers through his hair, I reflected upon his silent gesture and realized that it  spoke of a love and belonging that would never cease with distance and time.

For me, it was a moment of truth.

Kuldaivat

 Last  week, I went to my hometown – Shiroda. My hometown is close to Goa and has a beautiful virgin beach lined with casuarinas and coconut trees.It is a place of considerable childhood memories for me -Long idyllic summers spent with hordes of cousins who arrived from Mumbai to enjoy the sun, the sand, the mangoes, jammuns, jackfruits, tender coconuts and a lot of fish.

Last week, once again everybody arrived at Shiroda. The occasion was the bi-annual celebration of our family deity or Kuldaivat(Shree Sarangdhar). This tradition has been carried for more than 150 years. The story goes that my ancestors who stayed then in Goa fled into Maharashtra because the Christian missionaries tried to convert Hindus to Christianity. It is said that these missionaries threw bread in the well and the Hindus in those time believed that if they drank the water from these wells they would be converted to Christianity. And, so my ancestors fled into Maharashtra with meagre belongings and the statues of the family deity.

Some of them settled in Shiroda and some of them in a neighbouring village. Every two years, the  birthday of the family deity is celebrated. And so the descendants of the family come together. They come from Mumbai, Pune, Goa for the celebration. The family members have built a beautiful marble temple with contributions from all. On this day, food and other offerings are sent to the temple by every family and villagers are invited to participate. At night, a theatre group is called which stages a comedy play next to the temple.

In the evening, an elder family member prays to the Kuldaivat on behalf of all. Each member of the family comes forward and requests him to pray on their behalf – it could be for a child, a daughter’s long pending marriage, a good job. As the elder says the prayer, all present say ’ Hoy Maharaja’ to show their support towards the prayer. There is a sense of joy and camaraderie as everybody joins in unison.

I can’t help marvelling at the wisdom of my ancestors in setting this tradition to celebrate the kuldaivat’s birthday. It has certainly kept the family together for more than a century and through generations.

On the third day of my journey we went to Pernem, Goa to visit Shree Bhagwati Devi’s temple. She is the Kuldaivat of my husband’s family. On every important occasion in the family, we remember and pray to her. This time, I visited her with children after nearly two years. Last couple of years were very difficult for me with the PhD studies, the job and the demands that are placed by growing children. Often, I would fall short of strength – both physical and emotional. At such times, I would pray to her for strength and the ability to help me successfully see through this phase.

This time, as I stood before the goddess, her large luminous eyes glowed.  Was it just my imagination- or did her eyes really glow with pride and satisfaction at me. Like that of a mother welcoming a triumphant child.

I left the temple feeling blessed !!

Less than perfect

I must admit I am a perfectionist at heart...

I want to make a success of everything I do. If I were to take up a project, I want to deliver it to perfection; If I  have to make a presentation I want it to be perfect. I think a lot and from different perspectives to turn out a perfect piece of work.

But I am realizing that it is okay sometimes to not  be perfect.... 

During my daughter's term exams, there was a part of her studies which was difficult and would require a lot more practice. The day before the exams, we were short of time and there was no time to revise. While I stressed about it, my daughter saw no reason to do so. She said if there were questions on that chapter they would at the most carry two - three marks.It was okay not to get full marks in one exam - what's the big deal she said.

Got me thinking - really what was the big deal? If she did not get full marks and she was less than perfect in her third grade what really was the big deal. I guess, I am learning to be cool from the kids :).

Sometimes, the imperfections lend beauty and charm. My son, when he was a kid would love to dine at hotels and appreciated the good food. Now as a young teenager, I find he loves to eat at home. Even his most favorite dishes, he insists I cook it for him. While I can cook the dishes, I am sure they are far from perfect and perhaps nothing close to what is available in the restaurant. But he relishes the less than perfect dishes at home.

At office, I see sometimes the upcoming managers do work which is less than perfect. It is not well rounded, all perspectives are not well thought out, but the  innovative approach, underlying passion and good intentions shine through. And I am impressed...


Over the years I have also realized, that most times, conditions are not perfect whether at home or office. In any situation, I have learnt to identify that which can change and that which cannot be changed. I have learnt to accept that which cannot be changed.


It is the less than perfect conditions that bring out the best in us.

There is no education like adversity

There is no education like adversity - Benjamin Disraeli

Recently, I learnt the role of adversity in bringing up children.

I have a young lady-Suchi in my team whom I find remarkable in many ways. I find that at a young age, she has the ability to review a situation, size up the challenges, make decisions  and move ahead. She is very well organized and plans her tasks well. Apart from this, she is very balanced, collaborates well with others and has the ability to make non-issues out of issues. Needless to add, she has quickly become a valuable team member.

Three months back, Suchi lost her father quite suddenly.

Obviously,  it was a big blow to her. After she resumed back at work,  over our early morning 'chai', she often recounted memories of her father and her growing years. While it helped her healing process, for me - they were big lessons in parenting.

Her father had suffered a major accident when her tenth standard year had just started. He was in hospital for a few months. He recovered from the accident but had to leave his job.  Since her mother was not working, this naturally put a strain on the family's finances. Suchi had a younger brother and this adversity suddenly made her a responsible elder in the family.

She often recounts how she learnt to organize finances, manage banking transactions and take overall responsibility in the house. Over the next couple of years, the family learnt to manage with limited resources. All major decisions in the family were taken keeping the children's education at the highest priority.

After completing her engineering degree and starting to work, the financial situation improved. This event had made Suchi realize the need for financial security and she systematically invested in gold, bought a house in a far off suburb and saved for her marriage expenses. She proudly told me once how she did all the property transactions on her own. Later she married a colleague in her first job, had a daughter, bought another house with her husband. Her parents and brother (who in the meantime, also completed engineering and started working) sold off their old house and took a flat in her building to help her with bringing up her young daughter.

Suchi always had tremendous support of her parents - throughout her difficult pregnancy, her child's growing years, whenever she needed to travel for office work. Her parents have always been there for her and her husband. She often told me how much pride her father took in his daughter's achievements and how much both the grandparents enjoyed bringing up the granddaughter.

Suchi's story to me has valuable lessons in parenting for all of:

(1) While all of us want the best for our children and try to clear all the hurdles in their path; here was an example of how adversity had helped shape Suchi's personality. It gave her lessons in planning, foresight and focus that no B.school could teach. 

(2) Suchi's parents may not have been able to provide financially very well for the children but they made sure that all their efforts and money was prioritized towards the children's upbringing. This made sure that the children were even more focused towards education and career. The children knew that they needed to succeed and bring happiness to their parents. Her parents compensated for the lack of finances with a lot of love, attention, support and confidence in their children's abilities. 


Compare this to the situation around us today. We see many rich and well-to-do families send their children to the best of schools and colleges with the power of money, provide children with branded goods and provide for costly tuition's. They compensate for their lack of attention with all that money can buy. We also often hear and read about children from well to do families who go astray, loose ambition and even while away their life. 

(3) Suchi once told me that after this particular incident, she has not been fazed by any other problem in life. Every other problem seemed trivial as compared to what she went through. I think she also learnt valuable lessons in how families need to stay together in the face of adversity, prioritize on the most important things of life and help each other succeed. 

As for her parents, what better rewards in the autumn of their life- than to see their children turn into fine and capable young people who will pass on these values to the next generation.

To the Women in my life

Today on Woman's day, I want to pay a tribute to the many women who have made a deep impression on me.

Ofcourse, the list has to start with my mother. She started working immediately after matriculation at 17 with a Government office  to support her family of three sisters and one brother. Married at the young age of 20, and a young mother at 21. I was her firstborn and my sister came five years later and the youngest son another two years later. What was remarkable, was that my father encouraged my mother to continue education after marriage and even while working and with three children, she managed to complete her postgraduate studies. Some of my early childhood memories are of my mom locking herself in a room to study because the three of us tried to trouble her. While she completed her post graduation, she never tried to climb the career ladder till I got married and the other two were well in college. I think she sacrificed on this front to ensure that she did not neglect her family responsibilities. My father passed away fifteen years back and while I was married, the younger two were still to settle down. Looking back, I realize how important her support was to all of us through our life struggles. Often, I reach out to her on phone to talk about the turmoil in my mind and feel much better after talking to her. Many a times, I have realized many of her friends and relatives do the same with her.

Another woman in my life, from whom I learnt much is perhaps my mother-in -law. The key lesson I learnt from her was how to economize on the household front; how to run the house with a limited budget and yet ensuring everybody's needs were very well met. I got first hand lessons on financial planning from her which will stay with me for a lifetime.

There were many women who impressed me over the years- My maid of fourteen years who looked after my kids and who worked herself a lot with the dream of making her son an educated man, an elderly professor who did her Phd along a corporate job and then got into teaching (my inspiration to do the PhD), my sister who has managed to use her creativity to run a successful business from home, a neighboring woman who spent an entire year trying to nurse her sick husband back to health, a very successful estate agent with whom I interacted and realized that behind her successful professional face was a  mother trying to cope up with a young son with Attention Deficit Syndrome(ADS). I often meet women trying to cope with difficult in-laws, difficult husbands, trying to balance home and work, striving to be financially independent, striving to give time to their children, trying to give support to loved ones, trying to nurture their talents and dreams, trying to grow wings, competing against men and outwitting them and all the time striving to find the balance between all the different worlds before them.

I also learn all the while from the young one at home growing into a young lady with her own heart and mind. I realize, she too will one day face the real world  and perhaps realize that the world is not as rosy as her idealistic mind would want it to be. But, I also know that she will find the courage and the will to face the world on her own terms.

Happy Women's Day !!!

Life is simple

I love doing the mundane chores..

I love making the beds, cleaning the cobwebs, hanging out the clothes, folding them neatly and keeping them in their proper places. In fact, after a hard day at office I appreciate the chance to do these mundane chores.

Some people find it surprising. But, I like doing these little things because it helps remind me that life is actually simple.

No doubt, Our metro lives and competitive careers have made our lives complex and stressful. We are continuously running, stressing and worrying about doing everything right and being successful. 

But life is actually meant to be simple. 

We need food, we need shelter, we need to educate our children and we need to grow and learn. To do this, we need to work and we need to earn. Sometimes, we forget this simple truth and end up working ourselves for all the wrong reasons - to buy a bigger house, to have a foreign vacation, to get one up over our competitors. We want to get it right and perfect and want to portray a successful image.

Not only do we stress ourselves, but we also stress our children and want them right from childhood to be role models of success. Many parents stress their children over studies and push them to their limits.

But, we have forgotten that life is actually simple- it is about satisfying our basic needs, about taking care of our loved ones, giving them support,  and appreciating the good things of life. It is about growing ourselves not only professionally, financially and intellectually but also about growing spiritually, in spirit and grace and in generosity. 

The next time we stress ourselves, we need to rethink our priorities. It is important to put our best efforts in everything we do, we also need to  keep motivating ourselves to achieve higher goals - but, we need to ensure that we maintain balance in all the areas of our life.


And, sometimes it is okay to not be perfect and to not win the game. It is okay to lie low, mull over what went right and what went wrong, re-energize our batteries, set new goals, take some risks and set out once again with renewed energies.


Confucius had once said 'Life is simple'. It is-based on the attitude we adopt.

God exists..

There are multiple times when I send out silent prayers to god and marvel at how they get answered...

Today was one such day.

My college going son called up in the afternoon to say that he needed to submit an assignment and he had forgotten to take it to college. ' Can you please check out my cupboard and keep it ready.. I will come home in the next ten minutes, pick it back and rush back to college'. And so I searched for his assignment papers but could not find it. When he reached home, both of us searched once again but could not find it. He had to rush back to college to give a presentation; so I told him I would continue to search for the assignment.  I searched high and low but could not find the papers and silently  sent out a prayer to god.

Half an hour later, as I sat at my laptop; I received a call from my mobile operator to check whether I had made a payment on my bill that was due. I said I had given a check on the previous day to the person they sent to pick it up. The caller asked me if I could give him the receipt number. The receipt was in my bag and as I took out the receipt, I happened to see the book I had carried to office on the previous day. To my surprise, the assignment papers were in the book. Probably, yesterday when carrying the book to office I had not realized that the papers were in there.

I gave the receipt number and closed the call and once again checked the assignment papers. All of them were very much there. I called up my son and told him about the papers. Had it not been for the call from the mobile operator, I would not have thought of checking in my bag for the assignment papers. 

I marveled at how God had answered my prayers. 


There have been multiple times, when I have had this feeling that God had helped me out. That somebody was watching over me and helping me.There have been times, when in my mind I am searching for answers and those answers come to me in the form of a conversation with somebody, or through something I see on television or something I read . 


And there are also times when I want things to go a certain way, but they are delayed or don't happen the way I want them to happen. Often enough, I have realized when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to happen it is because it was not right for me in the first place - that; I was meant to take a different path(most times, a higher path without narrow or petty considerations). There is a lesson in it for me to learn. 


And so I accept his will.. It teaches me acceptance and helps face the highs and lows of life with balance and equanimity.

Green and Sustainability

In recent times, Green and  Sustainability have become corporate buzzwords. Organizations take great pride and interest in aligning to such strategies. But, I often think Green and Sustainability have to become a philosophy that we once again must adopt to.

I say once again, because in earlier times people led simple lives where environment conservation was part of the lifestyle.

When I was a young child, my grandparents encouraged us to write on black slates and practice the newly learnt alphabets and numbers. When I started going to school I saw the other children write on notebooks. I did not like writing on slate since I thought it was unfashionable. Today we are told to save paper - this in turn would help in saving the trees. I realize how effective slates were in keeping the environment green.

Milk was delivered in glass bottles and cloth or jute bags were used to carry the items purchased from the market. Today, even a little bit of effort on our part could help in saving tons of plastic usage. And yet most of us do not bother to make that additional effort.


In earlier times, Banana leaves were used to lay a good meal. Marriages where hundreds of people would eat were served on well stitched leaf plates. However, today eating out of leaf plates  would be considered de'classe; so what if it helps to save a lot of water - who cares ?


Clothes, Textbooks used by the elder siblings were passed down to the younger ones. Unused papers from notebooks were stitched to make good rough working notebooks. This was considered a sign of prudence and not lack of money. People mainly used public transport. Taxis, autos were rarely used and only the very rich indulged in cars. Today having a car is considered a necessity. The roads are full of traffic, Fuel prices are continuously increasing and the environment is polluted. To counter that, everybody is trying to promote car pooling!!

Earlier, Indians believed in simple living and high thinking. This meant minimalistic living, careful utilization of resources, preserving things for the long term along. We believed in spending on what was really important.

In today's times, we believe in having an entire wardrobe of branded clothes, shoes, watches. We get quickly tired of using the same things and don't believe in using any of them for the long term. We buy things which help in establishing our status symbol. And to meet our growing needs(or is it greed ?) we even take loans.

And then we champion for green and sustainability...

Perhaps our forefathers were far ahead of us in terms of sustainability and also sensibility!!

A story to unfold and a Destiny to fulfill !!

I am amazed to meet old friends and acquaintances.

I often wondered about the class topper from my school days or the twins from my class and where they must be. Thanks to Face book - I have been able to connect to so many of them. When I look at their photos, I try to catch glimpses of their youth and our times together. As I chat with them and hear from them on what they did in the last couple of years – I marvel !!

I marvel at how our lives were very similar upto a certain age; and how now we have been thrown into different lives. Like the topper of the class went on to do a research program and is now a Professor –content with a teaching job and bringing up a daughter.  The naughty twins from the class of tenth are now very responsible professionals- One a captain on the ship and the other doing an accounting job. The girl who was very good at literature is content with being a stay home mom. The boy who was only a little behind me in terms of his rank is now a Chartered Accountant and a partner in an Audit firm. One of the most beautiful girl of the class is now settled happily in the middle-east with her family.  I am also reminded of one of my closest friends from school who succumbed to cancer at the age of 29 leaving behind a three year old son.

And so I marvel at the twists and turn that each of our lives have taken.

And then I realize each one of us has a story to unfold and a destiny to fulfil. !!

Managing difficult people.

I have had my share of managing difficult people in life...

Infact over the years I have often wondered whether I attracted the eccentric types :)  Some stay in my life for a long time and some are around for a short duration. They teach me valuable lessons in patience and acceptance.

One of the most difficult person I met in my life was an elderly female relative. She had an acidic manner, was generally suspicious, did not trust anybody and tried to boss over everyone. In the earlier days of our relation, I could not fathom her and could not find anything good about her. But as days passed, I realized that she was this way because she was unhappy with herself. She had lost her son at an young age and believed that she was the reason for his death. I realized that she was unhappy because she had not forgiven herself as yet for his death. Over the years I was able to accept her the way she was because I could see through her pain.

Long back I also met a manager who was very insecure about me. As a result, he made sure that I was never given any visibility or important opportunities. I waited a long time to go up the right way. And while I waited, I realized that personally he did not wish me bad - actually cared for me in a way but wanted to protect his own position. It took a lot of faith and courage in myself to stick to the job and come up the hard but right way. Today looking back I feel it helped me find my own strength. 

I have a team member who is very valuable in terms of the outcomes he provides. His commitment and knowledge is valuable - but what brings him down is his inability to get along with people and take offence at the slightest  of emails. So many have complained about him and I have personally mentored and counselled him on many occasions. Because of this trait, it becomes difficult to bring him up inspite of his numerous other strengths. I have the difficult task of harnessing his energy positively and I have learned the importance of always trying to bring out the best in people.

There have been some people who taught me to trust a little lesser and be a little more skeptical and for a long time I resented them.

But now when I look back, I realize each one came into my life for a purpose - to teach me something special. Now, instead of resenting them, I feel if I can accept them the way they are - perhaps it will help them accept themselves better !!

Fate or Free Will

There are times in our lives when we question our personal beliefs and philosophy. One such time occurred in my life 8-9 years ago.

My son was born when I was 24 yrs. For a long time we totally believed that we did not want any more children. But when he turned 8-9 years old, my mind started changing. I felt the need to have a second child. I yearned for a baby who would once again energize the house. I also felt that if I had a second child then long after we were gone there would be somebody for my son of his own.

I decided to take a second chance and conceived when the elder was nearing 10 years.  Before we realized that I was carrying, my husband had taken up an assignment which required him to be situated in a foreign country and throughout my pregnancy he was not at home- came back once in four months. But I was fully confident that I could manage everything on my own.

I worked throughout the term, travelled every day using office transport for an hour and a half one way, switched my role in office and did one of the most interesting projects of my life during this period. I also managed to sell off our old house and completed all the formalities on my own. I periodically visited the gynaec and did regular tests that were advised. Overall, I was very confident that I would have a healthy baby, my delivery would go off very smoothly and I could manage everything on my own.

The baby was expected to be born in the third week of January and my husband had planned a 8 weeks holiday during that time. However, in the second week of November, I started to feel very tired. One morning I got ready to go to office, but felt too weak to step out. My son had already left for school and I decided to lie down for some time. After an hour or so, I felt a little better and decided to go visit the gynaec. The gynaecs clinic was just a 8-10 minutes walk but I realized I was feeling too tired to walk that short distance. The Doctor checked me and was alarmed that I was already having contractions. She asked me to get admitted. I was taken aback. I told her I had an important project and this week was important and I needed to be at work. She asked me where my office was and was shocked to hear that I had been travelling so far in the final trimester. She gave me medicines and said I could go home but would need to monitor and call her at night to report on status. I went back home, took the medicines, worked from home but by night the contractions had not subsided.  Next day morning, I again went to meet her. This time she insisted I must get admitted and I told her I would go home collect my bag and come back. I walked back home but had to stand and rest multiple times.

Back home, I sent a message to my team and manager, cooked a quick lunch for my son, lit the deeya before God and packed a bag to carry to the clinic. I then went to the neighbour and told her that I needed to get admitted and kept a message for my son and the domestic help who came in the afternoon to look after him. My neighbour wanted to come with me but I said I could manage on my own and that she needed to be home to give my message. I went down withdrew money from the ATM and walked to the clinic and admitted myself. Once I admitted myself, I called up my mother and told her my situation. My mother was still working then and was six months away from retirement. I assured her there was nothing to worry at all and she should start at her regular time and come to the clinic.

The doctor immediately put me on IV which had medicines to prevent a premature delivery. For the next 3-4 days, I was on these medicines. The Doctor wanted me to able to cross the minimum term for pregnancy. On the fourth day, they discovered that the baby was missing an heart beat and I was immediately advised a sonography. The sonography revealed that the umbilical chord had gone around the baby’s neck. Now the Doctor was concerned – She felt it was a risk with the umbilical chord around the baby’s neck and the contractions. She advised that we do a caesarean section early in the morning.  During these four days; when my husband called we had told him that I was being kept under observation and there was nothing serious.

I decided there was no need to alarm him in a foreign country by giving him the news of apremature delivery. I told my mother that I was very confident everything would work out fine and that after the baby was born she should call him and give the good news. Early morning, the operation started and I was administered an anaesthesia. When I came into consciousness, the Doctor gave me the good news that it was a girl (something I had secretly hoped for longJ ).

When I was wheeled back into my room, they bought the tiny bundle and kept her next to me. She looked very much like the elder one only much smaller than him. My Mother called up my husband and informed him of the good news. He was overwhelmed with joy.

However, half an hour later she still seemed to have some difficulty in breathing and the Gynaec and Pediatrician came in once again. They advised to admit her to a neo-natal ICU.  Next four days she was in the ICU of which the first two days she was given ventilator support.  I was in the maternity home. My mother would be with her in the morning and would come to sleep with me at night in the maternity home. Every night my mother sat meditating and praying for the little one. But I always assured her that the little one would be perfectly fine.

After four days I felt much stronger and insisted on going to see her. When I reached the neo-natal clinic and went to see her there were 3-4 babies. She was lying there with only a diaper and had an IV. She looked  tiny and vulnerable and my heart reached out to her. I was allowed to feed her and for the first time in two weeks I wondered whether I was being too optimistic about her.

I waited with my mother to see the Pediatrican on duty while my mother sensing my emotions tried to put on a brave front. She told me stories of friends and relatives who had premature babies and today how they all were perfectly healthy individuals. When we went to the Doctor, he advised to keep her in the NICU and to check myself also in the clinic so that they could observe if she was responding well before we could take her home. Just before we left; he also told me there was a small cleft above her buttocks close to the spinal chord and  after two-three months we should do an MRI and check if the cleft was just on the surface or it was deeper. Sometimes, there could be chances of a spina Bifida . I probed into what that would mean. He said in some extreme conditions, this may mean that the child is not able to sit or stand.

That was the last straw. I felt my world collapsing around me. All my courage vanished.

Till this time I really believed that she was going to be fine. I had taken a chance after ten years. If the child had any such problems I would never forgive myself. Over the next week, we bought her home and  I was sure with our  care she would put on weight; But in my post pregnancy state of mind, my worry regarding that cleft grew multi-fold. I searched and read everything about spina-bifida on the internet and worried endless nights about it. I told my husband to come in January as planned earlier – the baby was fine though tiny. I thought if he came now and saw the tiny one; he would go back a worried man. And so I agonized alone about her condition- by now her low weight was secondary –my primary worry was the depth of the cleft.

In these two months, I questioned my philosophy. Till then I really believed that we created our own destiny. I believed that if you wanted anything in life, as long as you put your heart and soul in it you could make it happen. For the first time in my life, I felt that it was not true – that there is some kind of destiny and if so did it really make any sense to have my own goals and put my heart into it? I struggled in my mind with these questions.

Over the next two months, however, my daughter put on weight and by the time she was four five months, she was a really cute healthy child. As soon as possible, I got the cleft checked and it was revealed that it was only skin deep. Today my daughter is eight years old – healthy and happy. This incident is now only a distant memory.

Over the years my thoughts on this subject have evolved and matured. In the initial years, I felt I created my own destiny, this incident made me take a fatalistic view. But over the years I have realized that such incidents happen so that you learn. It is important to articulate your life goals and work towards it with single minded focus and devotion. It is also important to maintain a optimistic and positive outlook towards life. But it is also important to keep the ego( the 'Me') in check and to realize that there is a power higher than yourself.  When things don’t happen the way you want them to happen, it is because there is learning for you. You have to learn to find that learning in the situation, accept it and move on.

“Mann ka ho toh acha ; aur mann ka naah ho toh aur bhi acha”

ShubhamKaroti Kalyanam...

Shubham Karoti Kalyanam
Arogyam Dhanasampada
Shatrubuddhi Vinaashaayak
Deep Jyoti namostute...


This was a prayer we were taught to say when we were children. Every evening, the deeya was lighted and we kids would get together to say this prayer. Roughly translated, the prayer means ;'O Lord, I have lit the lamp - let good fortune, health and wealth prevail. May feelings of enemity be destroyed. I bow before the lamp here'.

When I was a child, I did this evening prayer as a ritual. Later, when I got married I still said this prayer every evening- of course with a little more devotion. But it is only now that I find so much more meaning in lighting the deeya and saying this prayer.


When I come home in the evening, my mind is cluttered with thoughts of personal and professional challenges. When I light the deeya and say this prayer, once again my mind is filled with peace and positive energy.


Once again I find strength and a feeling of "All is well and will be well...."

Beauty...

Last week, I was watching a repeat of a Miss Universe program. The beautiful contestants gathered from across the world had chiseled bodies and perfect faces. Across many rounds, they showed their beauty, charm, talent and intelligence. But for some reason their beauty did not reach out to me.

I realized over the years my definition of beauty had changed. I tried to look back at who in the recent past I had found beautiful.

An old Professor I met some years back.  She reflected strength, peace, knowledge. There was a certain serenity on her face which comes from years of experience and having weathered multiple personal and professional storms. Most importantly, even at this age she had a childlike desire and enthusiasm to do new things. She left me inspired.

Recently, I also encountered beauty when I had taken my daughter to the doctors clinic. She was probably a second time mommy in her mid thirties- heavily pregnant– sitting there with her husband and daughter. Though not conventionally beautiful, her face glowed with a certain contentment which comes when you have a family to love and a companion to grow old with.

My aunt would often worry about marrying off her daughter who was rather plain looking. Many proposals later, she finally found a suitable husband for her daughter and married her off. I was unable to attend her wedding – but met the young couple a few months later at another wedding. The young woman had actually transformed and looked quite attractive. I couldn’t help noticing the young couple were in a world of their own throughout the wedding. Was it love that had transformed the plain looking young girl into an attractive and confident young lady?

My definition of beauty had certainly undergone a lot of change. Beauty is what comes from within and touches your heart...