Last week, a colleague of mine send me a beautiful marathi song sung by a young boy. The words went something like this:
Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai
Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai
Mhanoonach tar sodoon toola laamb gelo naahee
(The boy sings to his mother - "I knew you would be afraid to be left alone and that is why I didnt leave you alone...")
Bought back memories of a time long back; when my son was 6 years old and I went to the US for a short assignment of 2 months. I worried about how he would cope without me (given that my husband was also not in India at that time).
My in-laws were there for him and I knew they would take care of him but a mothers heart worried about how he would take it. He sat in a pensive mood and when I asked him if he was worried about something- he said he was worried how I would sleep alone and who would look after me now that he was not there with me. He had the habit of putting his hand under my head when sleeping(he thought he protected me..). I still cherish the bond we shared in those days. For a long time, I think I didn't think of him as somebody other than me.
As he grew up into an adolescent, teenager and now a young man, it took me time to realize that he was an individual in his own right; that I could not protect him all his life. We went through a lot of heated arguments in those years because of this. I wanted to hold the line and wanted him to do everything right and not take any risks. On the other hand, he wanted to experience life, follow the diktats of his heart and take his own decisions- whether right or wrong
Over the years; I guess we have made peace with each other. It helps that the major teenage years are over. Earlier, he would resent my calling him up at regular intervals and checking where he was, he would resent my inputs on whom he should hang around with and whom he shouldn't. It hurt that friends were more important than perhaps family.
But things are changing again. Now, I find he keeps a regular schedule for college, gym, friends and is back home generally by 8pm. If he is delayed- he makes it a point to call up and inform. The communication flows much more easily and I am simply glad that the more stressful teenage years are behind us. In spite of the generation gap, I also realize he has picked up some values and thoughts from me - so all is not really lost.
It was a slow and painful realization, but I realized that I cannot protect and plan his entire life for him. I have to accept he is his own individual, has his own life and has to make his own decisions. Along with moments of joy, happiness and success, there will be perhaps moments of difficulties. As a mother,I can only pray to God for his happiness, to remove all difficulties from his life and to give him wisdom in handling challenges.
And I can offer him a place where he knows he can always come back to feel loved and replenished.
