There are times in our lives when
we question our personal beliefs and philosophy. One such time occurred in my life
8-9 years ago.
My son was born when I was 24
yrs. For a long time we totally believed that we did not want any more
children. But when he turned 8-9 years old, my mind started changing. I felt
the need to have a second child. I yearned for a baby who would once again energize
the house. I also felt that if I had a second child then long after we were
gone there would be somebody for my son of his own.
I decided to take a second chance
and conceived when the elder was nearing 10 years. Before we realized that I was carrying, my
husband had taken up an assignment which required him to be situated in a
foreign country and throughout my pregnancy he was not at home- came back once
in four months. But I was fully confident that I could manage everything on my
own.
I worked throughout the term,
travelled every day using office transport for an hour and a half one way, switched
my role in office and did one of the most interesting projects of my life
during this period. I also managed to sell off our old house and completed all the
formalities on my own. I periodically visited the gynaec and did regular tests
that were advised. Overall, I was very confident that I would have a healthy
baby, my delivery would go off very smoothly and I could manage everything on
my own.
The baby was expected to be born
in the third week of January and my husband had planned a 8 weeks holiday
during that time. However, in the second week of November, I started to feel
very tired. One morning I got ready to go to office, but felt too weak to step
out. My son had already left for school and I decided to lie down for some time.
After an hour or so, I felt a little better and decided to go visit the gynaec.
The gynaecs clinic was just a 8-10 minutes walk but I realized I was feeling
too tired to walk that short distance. The Doctor checked me and was alarmed
that I was already having contractions. She asked me to get admitted. I was
taken aback. I told her I had an important project and this week was important
and I needed to be at work. She asked me where my office was and was shocked to
hear that I had been travelling so far in the final trimester. She gave me
medicines and said I could go home but would need to monitor and call her at
night to report on status. I went back home, took the medicines, worked from
home but by night the contractions had not subsided. Next day morning, I again went to meet her.
This time she insisted I must get admitted and I told her I would go home
collect my bag and come back. I walked back home but had to stand and rest
multiple times.
Back home, I sent a message to my
team and manager, cooked a quick lunch for my son, lit the deeya before God and
packed a bag to carry to the clinic. I then went to the neighbour and told her
that I needed to get admitted and kept a message for my son and the domestic
help who came in the afternoon to look after him. My neighbour wanted to come
with me but I said I could manage on my own and that she needed to be home to
give my message. I went down withdrew money from the ATM and walked to the
clinic and admitted myself. Once I admitted myself, I called up my mother and
told her my situation. My mother was still working then and was six months away
from retirement. I assured her there was nothing to worry at all and she should
start at her regular time and come to the clinic.
The doctor immediately put me on
IV which had medicines to prevent a premature delivery. For the next 3-4 days,
I was on these medicines. The Doctor wanted me to able to cross the minimum
term for pregnancy. On the fourth day, they discovered that the baby was
missing an heart beat and I was immediately advised a sonography. The
sonography revealed that the umbilical chord had gone around the baby’s neck.
Now the Doctor was concerned – She felt it was a risk with the umbilical chord
around the baby’s neck and the contractions. She advised that we do a caesarean
section early in the morning. During
these four days; when my husband called we had told him that I was being kept
under observation and there was nothing serious.
I decided there was no need to
alarm him in a foreign country by giving him the news of apremature delivery. I
told my mother that I was very confident everything would work out fine and
that after the baby was born she should call him and give the good news. Early
morning, the operation started and I was administered an anaesthesia. When I
came into consciousness, the Doctor gave me the good news that it was a girl (something
I had secretly hoped for longJ
).
When I was wheeled back into my
room, they bought the tiny bundle and kept her next to me. She looked very much
like the elder one only much smaller than him. My Mother called up my husband
and informed him of the good news. He was overwhelmed with joy.
However, half an hour later she still
seemed to have some difficulty in breathing and the Gynaec and Pediatrician
came in once again. They advised to admit her to a neo-natal ICU. Next four days she was in the ICU of which the
first two days she was given ventilator support. I was in the maternity home. My mother would
be with her in the morning and would come to sleep with me at night in the
maternity home. Every night my mother sat meditating and praying for the little
one. But I always assured her that the little one would be perfectly fine.
After four days I felt much
stronger and insisted on going to see her. When I reached the neo-natal clinic
and went to see her there were 3-4 babies. She was lying there with only a
diaper and had an IV. She looked tiny
and vulnerable and my heart reached out to her. I was allowed to feed her and
for the first time in two weeks I wondered whether I was being too optimistic
about her.
I waited with my mother to see
the Pediatrican on duty while my mother sensing my emotions tried to put on a
brave front. She told me stories of friends and relatives who had premature
babies and today how they all were perfectly healthy individuals. When we went
to the Doctor, he advised to keep her in the NICU and to check myself also in
the clinic so that they could observe if she was responding well before we
could take her home. Just before we left; he also told me there was a small
cleft above her buttocks close to the spinal chord and after two-three months we should do an MRI
and check if the cleft was just on the surface or it was deeper. Sometimes,
there could be chances of a spina Bifida . I probed into what that would mean.
He said in some extreme conditions, this may mean that the child is not able to
sit or stand.
That was the last straw. I felt
my world collapsing around me. All my courage vanished.
Till this time I really believed
that she was going to be fine. I had taken a chance after ten years. If the
child had any such problems I would never forgive myself. Over the next week,
we bought her home and I was sure with
our care she would put on weight; But in
my post pregnancy state of mind, my worry regarding that cleft grew multi-fold.
I searched and read everything about spina-bifida on the internet and worried endless
nights about it. I told my husband to come in January as planned earlier – the baby
was fine though tiny. I thought if he came now and saw the tiny one; he would
go back a worried man. And so I agonized alone about her condition- by now her
low weight was secondary –my primary worry was the depth of the cleft.
In these two months, I questioned
my philosophy. Till then I really believed that we created our own destiny. I
believed that if you wanted anything in life, as long as you put your heart and
soul in it you could make it happen. For the first time in my life, I felt that
it was not true – that there is some kind of destiny and if so did it really
make any sense to have my own goals and put my heart into it? I struggled in my
mind with these questions.
Over the next two months, however,
my daughter put on weight and by the time she was four five months, she was a really
cute healthy child. As soon as possible, I got the cleft checked and it was
revealed that it was only skin deep. Today my daughter is eight years old –
healthy and happy. This incident is now only a distant memory.
Over the years my thoughts on
this subject have evolved and matured. In the initial years, I felt I created
my own destiny, this incident made me take a fatalistic view. But over the
years I have realized that such incidents happen so that you learn. It is important to articulate your life goals and work towards it with single minded focus and devotion. It is also important to maintain a optimistic and positive outlook towards life. But it is also important to keep the ego( the 'Me') in check and to realize that there is a power higher than yourself. When things
don’t happen the way you want them to happen, it is because there is learning
for you. You have to learn to find that learning in the situation, accept it
and move on.
“Mann ka ho toh acha ; aur mann ka naah ho toh aur bhi acha”
