Money is what money does...

Of late, I have been thinking about my relationship with money..

Twenty years back, when I started married life I did not have much savings. I was only 22-23 years old, had worked hardly for 2 years and money did not really figure high on my priority list then. As a child, I had been fortunate enough to have been born in a middle class family where both parents worked. As a result, money was never an issue. It also helped that my needs were few – I was not very interested in clothes, shoes, watches and truly believed in ‘Simple living and High thinking’. Looking back, I think I was totally oblivious to the power of money then.

Married early (as per today’s standards); I gradually realized the need and importance of money. In the initial years of our marriage; we lived with my husband’s parents in a small house. So buying a bigger house of our own was our first priority.  That is when I started to realize the importance of money. The builder would send an instalment demand letter nearly every alternate month. As a young couple, our savings were meagre and money to pay for the house was always an issue. The fact that I stayed pregnant also added to our challenges. There were times towards the end of the month when we hardly had enough money only to cover our travel to and fro to office. I did not even keep a maid so that I could save some money. That period helped me realize the importance of money. We were young and hopeful and I must say in my mind, somehow I felt that money would come (though I didn’t know from where).

And so finally we had a house- but no money to buy much for the house. Slowly over a period, we bought the necessities and settled.  Within two years though, my husband decided to take up a job in South East Asia. Before leaving, he invested in a second house. I and my son accompanied him. I gave up my job and stayed at home for the next 18 months. The first six months went well. We were very aware that the savings from this job would need to go in financing the second house and so we spent cautiously. I learnt to manage the house in a small budget and put away the rest of the money towards paying for the house. I learnt to rationalize what was a necessity and what was luxury. However, six months down the line, economic crisis in South East Asia deepened. The Money that was in the bank there in local currency devalued substantially and our savings were reduced to nearly one-tenth of the original value. We were at a fix on how to manage paying to the Builder. We borrowed from parents and relatives. As things worsened, we decided that I should come back to India and look for a job while he stayed put there in the hope of the economy improving and see if we could recover the money.

I came back in 1998; and 3-4 months later got a job with an IT company.  Once I started working, I applied for a home loan and slowly paid off the money we owed to our relatives. In this period, I watched my father in law closely and how he managed the house very well with limited money. Two years later my husband also came back and joined a consulting company. It’s been more than a decade now and our financial struggles are a subject of the past.  

Having seen days with no money- we invested wisely over the years. But when I think about my present and my past- I see a lot of differences.

 The days with no money were some of the best days in my life. They taught me invaluable lessons.

• ·   When we bought our own little first house or even the second house; there was an immense sense of achievement. Even during the entire journey of buying the house and sacrificing our current needs for future ones- there was a sense of anticipation and of building something of our own together. In later years, when we earned money adequately- I have not been able to sense that achievement and pride.

• ·         When money was in short supply, I tried to compensate by putting more efforts. Example, doing all the work by myself without any domestic help, teaching the kid by myself, putting all that we bought to good use. That gave a certain sense of satisfaction of looking well after the family. In recent years, the fact that I don’t always make the best use of resources and am not able to give adequate time for the family weighs down on me.

• ·         I am fortunate that Money is no more the prime consideration for working. It is no more the key motivator. And yet, sometimes career and work considerations take over my entire life. I sometimes feel emotionally drained and physically tired. Of late, I wonder if I had adequate money invested- would I still continue working. And then how much is really enough?  I am no more in the prime of youth with high optimism and confidence that things will work out and that I am physically fit to turn around things always to my advantage. I realize even more than ever that I need to put away enough money so that I can secure my retirement and do the things that I always wanted to do. And yet, I wonder whether physically by the time I retire I will have the energy to do all that I have wanted to do.

• ·   There are times when I think, in my earlier years money was important so that we could buy the most important things to live our present lives. Now money is important more for providing for the future (the children’s education, retirement).    And yet there are times; I am worried that the future is taking over our present.
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I am glad that I can put my money to good use – donate for a good cause, buy the books that I want to read and help a friend or relative in need. And yet, I also realize that money cannot always compensate for time and effort that you can devote to a cause.

So, eventually, I have reached a conclusion that ‘Money is what money does...’

On this day of Laxmipujan; I pray to God to give me the capability and opportunity to earn and the wisdom to spend it wisely.

The accident and the aftermath...

Two weeks back when travelling to the Pune office, I met with an car accident.

I had started early in the morning at five so as to reach on time for presentation to a client at 9.30am at the Pune office. One moment, I remember dozing off and it seemed that the next moment I opened my eyes and looked at my hands- there was tissue and blood on my hands and the driver had opened the door and was pleading with me to open my eyes. For a moment, I remember wondering whether all this was real or was I seeing a dream. But it was real.. I felt a sense of pain.

By then the driver had stopped the car behind and the people in the car behind were pleading with me to get up and sit in their car. With great difficulty I got up and went and sat in the car behind. I asked the driver to take my laptop bag, my purse and cell. I lay down on the seat behind and asked them to keep something below my head. The driver called up the office and the admin guy insisted on speaking to me. So I spoke to him and asked him to message that I wouldn't be able to reach for the presentation.

The driver knew Pavana hospital and I was immediately taken over there. Since there seemed to be a big gash on the head, I was immediately taken in for a CT Scan. Internal injury was ruled out and the attending Doctors decided to put stitches. I was given 5-6 anesthetic injections on the forehead and was given 15 stitches. By then somebody from Office had reached and I was moved to Aditya Birla Memorial Hospital - because it was an head injury and the hospital had very good medical facilities.

I called up my husband ; by then he already had come to know and was on the way to Pune. I told him I was now safe and that he must not drive fast. In the new hospital, again all tests were conducted and internal damage was ruled out. Colleagues from Pune office who came to know quickly rushed and there were calls from my Mumbai team to inquire. My mother and brother called up from Bangalore and were relieved to hear my voice.

Finally, I had to stay for 8 days in the hospital. I had to go through a surgery by a cosmetic surgeon for 2-3 hrs to reduce the impact of the wound. For the first week, I had a spinning sensation everytime I tried to sit. My brother flew down immediately from Bangalore to be with me for the first two three days and then my mother in law insisted on coming and looking after me. My husband went back to be with the kids. I am back home now, able to stand on my feet - though there are few moments of the spinning sensation. The scar has healed well and the cosmetic surgery really helped to reduce the impact.

Some of what I realized during these two weeks :
(1) For a month before the accident, I had been continuously feeling a sense of fatigue and wanting to slow down and rest. I wondered in my mind on why I always wanted to do everything perfectly - on time with great quality on both professional and personal front. I was realizing that it was impacting my health. I badly needed rest.But I kept putting off an holiday thinking I would utilize my leave later in more pressing situations. Was the universe listening to my thoughts and conspired to make it happen? I needed to detach and see things from a different angle and this accident helped me to do that.

(2) I realize that though the accident was major, there were many positives - the driver was not hurt and so could fetch help, the car behind stopped on time and knew that Pavana hospital was nearby, they were willing to carry me there. Medical help was provided promptly. While the gash on the head was severe, luckily there were no internal injuries and the brain, eyes, teeth, spine were safe. Though one has to face difficult situations, God was there to protect me and ensure that the impact was minimized. Since the accident  happened just 10 days before Ganesh Chaturthi I was worried on how we would be able to manage. Just three days before Ganesh Chaturthi I was able to stand and walk only with help. But, by the time Ganesh Chaturthi came, I was up on my feet and able to do everything exactly like years before. God made sure  of that !!

(3) Family, friends, colleagues and relatives all really came through. They came to see me, sent messages and cared. My brother for the first 2-3 days did not leave my side. My mother prayed continuously for hours till I was out of danger. My mother-in-law insisted on being with me - she told me once how important it was that I was there for my children - till they grew up and had their own families to love and protect them. I realized how important I was for my husband and children.

I was married young at twenty-two and my husband  then was twenty-six. We have nearly grown a lifetime in the last twenty-one years of marriage. We may have had our moments of trouble, but, somehow, I felt the marriage had become rock solid -that we both knew we needed each other. That without the partnership -our life would perhaps not be the same...

Growing up...

Last week, a colleague of mine send me a beautiful marathi song sung by a young boy. The words went something like this:

Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai

Ekti Ekti ghabarlees naa vaatlach hota aai

Mhanoonach tar sodoon toola laamb gelo naahee

(The boy sings to his mother - "I knew you would be afraid to be left alone and that is why I didnt leave you alone...") 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGf_-rdLK_A&feature=related

Bought back memories of a time long back; when my son was 6 years old and I went to the US for a short assignment of 2 months. I worried about how he would cope without me (given that my husband was also not in India at that time).

My in-laws were there for him and I knew they would take care of him but a mothers heart worried about how he would take it. He sat in a pensive mood and when I asked him if he was worried about something- he said he was worried how I would sleep alone and who would look after me now that he was not there with me. He had the habit of putting his hand under my head when sleeping(he thought he protected me..). I still cherish the bond we shared in those days. For a long time, I think I didn't think of him as somebody other than me. 

As he grew up into an adolescent, teenager and now a young man, it took me time to realize that he was an individual in his own right; that I could not protect him all his life. We went through a lot of heated arguments in those years because of this. I wanted to hold the line and wanted him to do everything right and not take any risks. On the other hand, he wanted to experience life, follow the diktats of his heart and take his own decisions- whether right or wrong

Over the years; I guess we have made peace with each other. It helps that the major teenage years are over. Earlier, he would resent my calling him up at regular intervals and checking where he was, he would resent my inputs on whom he should hang around with and whom he shouldn't. It hurt that friends were more important than perhaps family.

But things are changing again. Now, I find he keeps a regular schedule for college, gym, friends and is back home generally by 8pm. If he is delayed- he makes it a point to call up and inform. The communication flows much more easily and I am simply glad that the more stressful teenage years are behind us. In spite of the generation gap, I also realize he has picked up some values and thoughts from me - so all is not really lost.

It was a slow and painful realization, but I realized that I cannot protect and plan his entire life for him. I have to accept he is his own individual, has his own life and has to make his own decisions. Along with moments of joy,  happiness and success, there will be perhaps moments of difficulties. As a mother,I can only pray to God for his happiness, to remove all difficulties from his life and to give him wisdom in handling challenges. 

And I can offer him a place where he knows he can always come back to feel loved and replenished.

Saturday night, Baba- My father in law passed away.

He died at the age of 79 of a severe heart attack. His passing away was in line with his overall life philosophy-simple, unobtrusive, ensuring that his family was not put to trouble.

To say that he was more of a father than a father in law would be an understatement. While many thought that he was unambitious and a simple man- to me in many ways, Baba was my role model – role model of how a parent should be. Between the two set of parents (parents and parents-in-law); for me he ranked high on how a parent must be.

When I got married twenty one years back in 1991; Baba was the one who tried to be my support and anchor in adjusting to a new house.  My in-laws had lost a son at the young age of 17 to cancer. His untimely death six years before my marriage had left the couple devastated. In the years that followed his death; my mother-in-law had been severely affected by the loss of her son.  While her husband and children went to office; she constantly grieved his death and how she could have avoided it. The loss of her beloved son made her bitter, suspecting and acidic.  My father in law never spoke much – but in a very silent way he showed he cared for me. During 1993, I was in my final trimester of pregnancy and carrying my first son. I worked at New Bombay which was a far ride from my place. Both he and mother in law stayed with us. But my Mother in Law had to go and stay with her daughter because she too was in the advanced stages of pregnancy.

For me, Baba became the mother. Every morning, he ensured that I had my breakfast and carried a tiffin. Every evening, when I came back, I would find that Baba had cut the vegetables, kept the cooker and made my life so much simpler. In the ninth month, when I left for my mother’s place, I often remembered the care I got from him. When I was admitted in the hospital; Baba was in a temple in south Mumbai. As soon as he came to know that I was admitted – he rushed to the maternity home. He passed his old hands through my head and prayed. Without saying a word he managed to convey his love.. It was a difficult delivery and throughout the night as I struggled in pain , Baba sat with my mother in the maternity ward. Early morning- when the Doctor decided to do a ceasearan, Baba signed the approval form even as we waited for my husband to come in.  My first born son was a healthy seven and half pound baby- fair and chubby. Baba came back with my mother in law – the pride and love evident on his face. Both tried to search for their lost son in their grandsons face. In the following months, even as I resumed work, Baba assumed the role of a grandfather with great ease. He would feed the child, play with him, take him down for long walks. And he did all this –without even once making me feel that he was doing anything out of the way.

Later as years passed by ; my mother in law build a house in native place and wanted to build a small garden around it- my father in law preferred to stay with us. I know he was happiest when he was with his children and grandchildren. My husband chose to take up a job in southeast Asia and I and my son went with him in 1996. Before going to SouthEast Asia, I booked a larger house in Mumbai and gave power of attorney to my father in law and made him a joint account holder on my bank accounts-such was my trust and confidence in him. My father in law managed all the transactions; kept accounts and ensured that our money was always put to good use. Today, when I hear from friends and acquaintances of the difficulties they face with their in-laws; I realize how lucky I was to be protected by an angel like him.

As some more years passed; I and my son returned back to Mumbai while my husband continued in South East Asia. I got a job with a software company and got opportunities to travel internationally on assignments. In 1999, I got my first opportunity to travel to US for 2 months when my son was 6 years old. I remember the pride he took in my opportunity, the help and support he provided me so that I could go without any apprehensions about my son. He and my mother in law took great care of the grandson.  Whenever, I would be back from international assignments, Baba would ensure that my favourite fish curry was made. His love for his family was unconditional- he wanted his children to prosper; it was as if he understood that if the woman of the house was happy  -the family benefited. I often felt he did more for me even than his own daughter.

Between my mother in law and father in law; my mother in law was always more ambitious, aggressive and definitely smarter.  Baba was the perfect foil- understanding, caring, gentle and always supportive. I often marvelled at his maturity in dealing with difficult people.

Later with age, my mother –in-law’s eccentric nature  acquired a new dimension – she became controlling, easily irritable and wanted to retire into her own independent space. Baba wanted to stay with us- his children and grandchildren. The more he resisted; the more difficult things got. My Mother in law insisted on buying  an apartment near her daughters place. While my husband tried to talk her into and finally argued against taking such an extreme step – she did not budge from her stand. He even offered that Baba stay with us and she could stay in the new place and come back whenever she felt like. But Baba did not accept that ; it would not have been possible for him to leave her alone he said. And so unwillingly he left. I wished that they would find peace and happiness in the new place where they could be alone. But as years passed; things worsened. By now, my Mother -In-laws nature had worsened. She could not get along with her daughter and her husband who stayed some distance away. While they were well-meaning and would try to provide support to the old couple from time to time- she build apprehensions about their intentions to help them.

All this time; Baba bore the brunt of her increasing eccentricity. A couple of times, when it became unbearable – he would come away to our house. Once, in a moment of emotion, he told me that he took her away from us so that our lives were not affected. In the last couple of years, I saw him breakdown in spirit and health. While he was not afflicted with any major ailment – he seemed to have grown frail. He also became a little more detached and spent most of his day in a nearby temple.  Last 2-3 years whenever he came to our home for Ganpati celebrations – as he sang Bhajans – I felt he was calling God to take him away. Two weeks back, he and my mother in law had come home and stayed overnight. In the morning, I helped them with their bank transactions. While my husband and mother in law sat in the car; I and Baba went to the bank and completed the work. As we were climbing down the steep stairs- I realized he was now not able to see properly and needed my support to climb down safely. Though perhaps we all knew that slowly his time was coming; we didn’t realize it would be so sudden. As it happens in such cases; when people pass away suddenly- a lot remained unsaid.

I often feel that parents can either be their children’s greatest strength or their greatest weakness and Baba was definitely his children’s strength. His love was unconditional; he wanted his children to do well and was ready to sacrifice a lot to make sure they were happy. And his greatness lay in the fact that he did a lot for his children without even once making them feel that he had done anything great or exceptional.  I hope- I am able to imbibe some of his greatness, continue the tradition and be my children’s support system.

Baba- you will always be my role model!!

The language of silence

It took me a long time to realize that silence has a language of its own- that sometimes silence can convey much more than words.

Five years back, we decided to send our thirteen year old son to a residential school for his ninth and tenth grade. A difficult decision but was needed in his interest or so we thought.

The school was around two and half hours drive from Mumbai. I looked forward to talking to him on the phone every weekend - but quickly realized that the phone masks many a emotions. And, so I waited for him to come home for  a short stay. Two and half months into the school year, and the school authorities decided to send the children back for a short break of four days. We were conveyed the location and timing for the pickup. I went to pick him up at the and waited for a long time for the bus to arrive. While I waited for the bus to arrive, I reflected over our decision to send him away. Finally, the bus arrived and my son got out looking taller and leaner. My heart was filled with a lot of different emotions - hard to describe.

On the way back home, I asked a lot of questions- how was the school, the food how were the friends and the the facilities? He said school was good and he had made good friends, but he didn't seem to be in a mood to talk much.

Back home, I had cooked some of his favorite snacks. He put on the TV and ate the snacks with great relish. I sat on the floor opposite to  him with a cup of tea. As I sipped tea, I wondered whether the distance had made him grow up, whether he was sad, angry or just uninterested now that he had a new life.  I had realized also, that as boys grow up they don't like to express their feelings, nor appreciate others making too much of a fuss. And so I kept quiet.

Imagine my surprise when after he finished eating, he came down sat next to me and put his head on my lap and watched TV. Both of us didn't say a word to each other, but the silence spoke volumes. Perhaps, both of us wanted a reassurance that we were still there for each other. As I passed my fingers through his hair, I reflected upon his silent gesture and realized that it  spoke of a love and belonging that would never cease with distance and time.

For me, it was a moment of truth.

Kuldaivat

 Last  week, I went to my hometown – Shiroda. My hometown is close to Goa and has a beautiful virgin beach lined with casuarinas and coconut trees.It is a place of considerable childhood memories for me -Long idyllic summers spent with hordes of cousins who arrived from Mumbai to enjoy the sun, the sand, the mangoes, jammuns, jackfruits, tender coconuts and a lot of fish.

Last week, once again everybody arrived at Shiroda. The occasion was the bi-annual celebration of our family deity or Kuldaivat(Shree Sarangdhar). This tradition has been carried for more than 150 years. The story goes that my ancestors who stayed then in Goa fled into Maharashtra because the Christian missionaries tried to convert Hindus to Christianity. It is said that these missionaries threw bread in the well and the Hindus in those time believed that if they drank the water from these wells they would be converted to Christianity. And, so my ancestors fled into Maharashtra with meagre belongings and the statues of the family deity.

Some of them settled in Shiroda and some of them in a neighbouring village. Every two years, the  birthday of the family deity is celebrated. And so the descendants of the family come together. They come from Mumbai, Pune, Goa for the celebration. The family members have built a beautiful marble temple with contributions from all. On this day, food and other offerings are sent to the temple by every family and villagers are invited to participate. At night, a theatre group is called which stages a comedy play next to the temple.

In the evening, an elder family member prays to the Kuldaivat on behalf of all. Each member of the family comes forward and requests him to pray on their behalf – it could be for a child, a daughter’s long pending marriage, a good job. As the elder says the prayer, all present say ’ Hoy Maharaja’ to show their support towards the prayer. There is a sense of joy and camaraderie as everybody joins in unison.

I can’t help marvelling at the wisdom of my ancestors in setting this tradition to celebrate the kuldaivat’s birthday. It has certainly kept the family together for more than a century and through generations.

On the third day of my journey we went to Pernem, Goa to visit Shree Bhagwati Devi’s temple. She is the Kuldaivat of my husband’s family. On every important occasion in the family, we remember and pray to her. This time, I visited her with children after nearly two years. Last couple of years were very difficult for me with the PhD studies, the job and the demands that are placed by growing children. Often, I would fall short of strength – both physical and emotional. At such times, I would pray to her for strength and the ability to help me successfully see through this phase.

This time, as I stood before the goddess, her large luminous eyes glowed.  Was it just my imagination- or did her eyes really glow with pride and satisfaction at me. Like that of a mother welcoming a triumphant child.

I left the temple feeling blessed !!

Less than perfect

I must admit I am a perfectionist at heart...

I want to make a success of everything I do. If I were to take up a project, I want to deliver it to perfection; If I  have to make a presentation I want it to be perfect. I think a lot and from different perspectives to turn out a perfect piece of work.

But I am realizing that it is okay sometimes to not  be perfect.... 

During my daughter's term exams, there was a part of her studies which was difficult and would require a lot more practice. The day before the exams, we were short of time and there was no time to revise. While I stressed about it, my daughter saw no reason to do so. She said if there were questions on that chapter they would at the most carry two - three marks.It was okay not to get full marks in one exam - what's the big deal she said.

Got me thinking - really what was the big deal? If she did not get full marks and she was less than perfect in her third grade what really was the big deal. I guess, I am learning to be cool from the kids :).

Sometimes, the imperfections lend beauty and charm. My son, when he was a kid would love to dine at hotels and appreciated the good food. Now as a young teenager, I find he loves to eat at home. Even his most favorite dishes, he insists I cook it for him. While I can cook the dishes, I am sure they are far from perfect and perhaps nothing close to what is available in the restaurant. But he relishes the less than perfect dishes at home.

At office, I see sometimes the upcoming managers do work which is less than perfect. It is not well rounded, all perspectives are not well thought out, but the  innovative approach, underlying passion and good intentions shine through. And I am impressed...


Over the years I have also realized, that most times, conditions are not perfect whether at home or office. In any situation, I have learnt to identify that which can change and that which cannot be changed. I have learnt to accept that which cannot be changed.


It is the less than perfect conditions that bring out the best in us.