Saturday night, Baba- My father in law passed away.

He died at the age of 79 of a severe heart attack. His passing away was in line with his overall life philosophy-simple, unobtrusive, ensuring that his family was not put to trouble.

To say that he was more of a father than a father in law would be an understatement. While many thought that he was unambitious and a simple man- to me in many ways, Baba was my role model – role model of how a parent should be. Between the two set of parents (parents and parents-in-law); for me he ranked high on how a parent must be.

When I got married twenty one years back in 1991; Baba was the one who tried to be my support and anchor in adjusting to a new house.  My in-laws had lost a son at the young age of 17 to cancer. His untimely death six years before my marriage had left the couple devastated. In the years that followed his death; my mother-in-law had been severely affected by the loss of her son.  While her husband and children went to office; she constantly grieved his death and how she could have avoided it. The loss of her beloved son made her bitter, suspecting and acidic.  My father in law never spoke much – but in a very silent way he showed he cared for me. During 1993, I was in my final trimester of pregnancy and carrying my first son. I worked at New Bombay which was a far ride from my place. Both he and mother in law stayed with us. But my Mother in Law had to go and stay with her daughter because she too was in the advanced stages of pregnancy.

For me, Baba became the mother. Every morning, he ensured that I had my breakfast and carried a tiffin. Every evening, when I came back, I would find that Baba had cut the vegetables, kept the cooker and made my life so much simpler. In the ninth month, when I left for my mother’s place, I often remembered the care I got from him. When I was admitted in the hospital; Baba was in a temple in south Mumbai. As soon as he came to know that I was admitted – he rushed to the maternity home. He passed his old hands through my head and prayed. Without saying a word he managed to convey his love.. It was a difficult delivery and throughout the night as I struggled in pain , Baba sat with my mother in the maternity ward. Early morning- when the Doctor decided to do a ceasearan, Baba signed the approval form even as we waited for my husband to come in.  My first born son was a healthy seven and half pound baby- fair and chubby. Baba came back with my mother in law – the pride and love evident on his face. Both tried to search for their lost son in their grandsons face. In the following months, even as I resumed work, Baba assumed the role of a grandfather with great ease. He would feed the child, play with him, take him down for long walks. And he did all this –without even once making me feel that he was doing anything out of the way.

Later as years passed by ; my mother in law build a house in native place and wanted to build a small garden around it- my father in law preferred to stay with us. I know he was happiest when he was with his children and grandchildren. My husband chose to take up a job in southeast Asia and I and my son went with him in 1996. Before going to SouthEast Asia, I booked a larger house in Mumbai and gave power of attorney to my father in law and made him a joint account holder on my bank accounts-such was my trust and confidence in him. My father in law managed all the transactions; kept accounts and ensured that our money was always put to good use. Today, when I hear from friends and acquaintances of the difficulties they face with their in-laws; I realize how lucky I was to be protected by an angel like him.

As some more years passed; I and my son returned back to Mumbai while my husband continued in South East Asia. I got a job with a software company and got opportunities to travel internationally on assignments. In 1999, I got my first opportunity to travel to US for 2 months when my son was 6 years old. I remember the pride he took in my opportunity, the help and support he provided me so that I could go without any apprehensions about my son. He and my mother in law took great care of the grandson.  Whenever, I would be back from international assignments, Baba would ensure that my favourite fish curry was made. His love for his family was unconditional- he wanted his children to prosper; it was as if he understood that if the woman of the house was happy  -the family benefited. I often felt he did more for me even than his own daughter.

Between my mother in law and father in law; my mother in law was always more ambitious, aggressive and definitely smarter.  Baba was the perfect foil- understanding, caring, gentle and always supportive. I often marvelled at his maturity in dealing with difficult people.

Later with age, my mother –in-law’s eccentric nature  acquired a new dimension – she became controlling, easily irritable and wanted to retire into her own independent space. Baba wanted to stay with us- his children and grandchildren. The more he resisted; the more difficult things got. My Mother in law insisted on buying  an apartment near her daughters place. While my husband tried to talk her into and finally argued against taking such an extreme step – she did not budge from her stand. He even offered that Baba stay with us and she could stay in the new place and come back whenever she felt like. But Baba did not accept that ; it would not have been possible for him to leave her alone he said. And so unwillingly he left. I wished that they would find peace and happiness in the new place where they could be alone. But as years passed; things worsened. By now, my Mother -In-laws nature had worsened. She could not get along with her daughter and her husband who stayed some distance away. While they were well-meaning and would try to provide support to the old couple from time to time- she build apprehensions about their intentions to help them.

All this time; Baba bore the brunt of her increasing eccentricity. A couple of times, when it became unbearable – he would come away to our house. Once, in a moment of emotion, he told me that he took her away from us so that our lives were not affected. In the last couple of years, I saw him breakdown in spirit and health. While he was not afflicted with any major ailment – he seemed to have grown frail. He also became a little more detached and spent most of his day in a nearby temple.  Last 2-3 years whenever he came to our home for Ganpati celebrations – as he sang Bhajans – I felt he was calling God to take him away. Two weeks back, he and my mother in law had come home and stayed overnight. In the morning, I helped them with their bank transactions. While my husband and mother in law sat in the car; I and Baba went to the bank and completed the work. As we were climbing down the steep stairs- I realized he was now not able to see properly and needed my support to climb down safely. Though perhaps we all knew that slowly his time was coming; we didn’t realize it would be so sudden. As it happens in such cases; when people pass away suddenly- a lot remained unsaid.

I often feel that parents can either be their children’s greatest strength or their greatest weakness and Baba was definitely his children’s strength. His love was unconditional; he wanted his children to do well and was ready to sacrifice a lot to make sure they were happy. And his greatness lay in the fact that he did a lot for his children without even once making them feel that he had done anything great or exceptional.  I hope- I am able to imbibe some of his greatness, continue the tradition and be my children’s support system.

Baba- you will always be my role model!!

The language of silence

It took me a long time to realize that silence has a language of its own- that sometimes silence can convey much more than words.

Five years back, we decided to send our thirteen year old son to a residential school for his ninth and tenth grade. A difficult decision but was needed in his interest or so we thought.

The school was around two and half hours drive from Mumbai. I looked forward to talking to him on the phone every weekend - but quickly realized that the phone masks many a emotions. And, so I waited for him to come home for  a short stay. Two and half months into the school year, and the school authorities decided to send the children back for a short break of four days. We were conveyed the location and timing for the pickup. I went to pick him up at the and waited for a long time for the bus to arrive. While I waited for the bus to arrive, I reflected over our decision to send him away. Finally, the bus arrived and my son got out looking taller and leaner. My heart was filled with a lot of different emotions - hard to describe.

On the way back home, I asked a lot of questions- how was the school, the food how were the friends and the the facilities? He said school was good and he had made good friends, but he didn't seem to be in a mood to talk much.

Back home, I had cooked some of his favorite snacks. He put on the TV and ate the snacks with great relish. I sat on the floor opposite to  him with a cup of tea. As I sipped tea, I wondered whether the distance had made him grow up, whether he was sad, angry or just uninterested now that he had a new life.  I had realized also, that as boys grow up they don't like to express their feelings, nor appreciate others making too much of a fuss. And so I kept quiet.

Imagine my surprise when after he finished eating, he came down sat next to me and put his head on my lap and watched TV. Both of us didn't say a word to each other, but the silence spoke volumes. Perhaps, both of us wanted a reassurance that we were still there for each other. As I passed my fingers through his hair, I reflected upon his silent gesture and realized that it  spoke of a love and belonging that would never cease with distance and time.

For me, it was a moment of truth.

Kuldaivat

 Last  week, I went to my hometown – Shiroda. My hometown is close to Goa and has a beautiful virgin beach lined with casuarinas and coconut trees.It is a place of considerable childhood memories for me -Long idyllic summers spent with hordes of cousins who arrived from Mumbai to enjoy the sun, the sand, the mangoes, jammuns, jackfruits, tender coconuts and a lot of fish.

Last week, once again everybody arrived at Shiroda. The occasion was the bi-annual celebration of our family deity or Kuldaivat(Shree Sarangdhar). This tradition has been carried for more than 150 years. The story goes that my ancestors who stayed then in Goa fled into Maharashtra because the Christian missionaries tried to convert Hindus to Christianity. It is said that these missionaries threw bread in the well and the Hindus in those time believed that if they drank the water from these wells they would be converted to Christianity. And, so my ancestors fled into Maharashtra with meagre belongings and the statues of the family deity.

Some of them settled in Shiroda and some of them in a neighbouring village. Every two years, the  birthday of the family deity is celebrated. And so the descendants of the family come together. They come from Mumbai, Pune, Goa for the celebration. The family members have built a beautiful marble temple with contributions from all. On this day, food and other offerings are sent to the temple by every family and villagers are invited to participate. At night, a theatre group is called which stages a comedy play next to the temple.

In the evening, an elder family member prays to the Kuldaivat on behalf of all. Each member of the family comes forward and requests him to pray on their behalf – it could be for a child, a daughter’s long pending marriage, a good job. As the elder says the prayer, all present say ’ Hoy Maharaja’ to show their support towards the prayer. There is a sense of joy and camaraderie as everybody joins in unison.

I can’t help marvelling at the wisdom of my ancestors in setting this tradition to celebrate the kuldaivat’s birthday. It has certainly kept the family together for more than a century and through generations.

On the third day of my journey we went to Pernem, Goa to visit Shree Bhagwati Devi’s temple. She is the Kuldaivat of my husband’s family. On every important occasion in the family, we remember and pray to her. This time, I visited her with children after nearly two years. Last couple of years were very difficult for me with the PhD studies, the job and the demands that are placed by growing children. Often, I would fall short of strength – both physical and emotional. At such times, I would pray to her for strength and the ability to help me successfully see through this phase.

This time, as I stood before the goddess, her large luminous eyes glowed.  Was it just my imagination- or did her eyes really glow with pride and satisfaction at me. Like that of a mother welcoming a triumphant child.

I left the temple feeling blessed !!

Less than perfect

I must admit I am a perfectionist at heart...

I want to make a success of everything I do. If I were to take up a project, I want to deliver it to perfection; If I  have to make a presentation I want it to be perfect. I think a lot and from different perspectives to turn out a perfect piece of work.

But I am realizing that it is okay sometimes to not  be perfect.... 

During my daughter's term exams, there was a part of her studies which was difficult and would require a lot more practice. The day before the exams, we were short of time and there was no time to revise. While I stressed about it, my daughter saw no reason to do so. She said if there were questions on that chapter they would at the most carry two - three marks.It was okay not to get full marks in one exam - what's the big deal she said.

Got me thinking - really what was the big deal? If she did not get full marks and she was less than perfect in her third grade what really was the big deal. I guess, I am learning to be cool from the kids :).

Sometimes, the imperfections lend beauty and charm. My son, when he was a kid would love to dine at hotels and appreciated the good food. Now as a young teenager, I find he loves to eat at home. Even his most favorite dishes, he insists I cook it for him. While I can cook the dishes, I am sure they are far from perfect and perhaps nothing close to what is available in the restaurant. But he relishes the less than perfect dishes at home.

At office, I see sometimes the upcoming managers do work which is less than perfect. It is not well rounded, all perspectives are not well thought out, but the  innovative approach, underlying passion and good intentions shine through. And I am impressed...


Over the years I have also realized, that most times, conditions are not perfect whether at home or office. In any situation, I have learnt to identify that which can change and that which cannot be changed. I have learnt to accept that which cannot be changed.


It is the less than perfect conditions that bring out the best in us.

There is no education like adversity

There is no education like adversity - Benjamin Disraeli

Recently, I learnt the role of adversity in bringing up children.

I have a young lady-Suchi in my team whom I find remarkable in many ways. I find that at a young age, she has the ability to review a situation, size up the challenges, make decisions  and move ahead. She is very well organized and plans her tasks well. Apart from this, she is very balanced, collaborates well with others and has the ability to make non-issues out of issues. Needless to add, she has quickly become a valuable team member.

Three months back, Suchi lost her father quite suddenly.

Obviously,  it was a big blow to her. After she resumed back at work,  over our early morning 'chai', she often recounted memories of her father and her growing years. While it helped her healing process, for me - they were big lessons in parenting.

Her father had suffered a major accident when her tenth standard year had just started. He was in hospital for a few months. He recovered from the accident but had to leave his job.  Since her mother was not working, this naturally put a strain on the family's finances. Suchi had a younger brother and this adversity suddenly made her a responsible elder in the family.

She often recounts how she learnt to organize finances, manage banking transactions and take overall responsibility in the house. Over the next couple of years, the family learnt to manage with limited resources. All major decisions in the family were taken keeping the children's education at the highest priority.

After completing her engineering degree and starting to work, the financial situation improved. This event had made Suchi realize the need for financial security and she systematically invested in gold, bought a house in a far off suburb and saved for her marriage expenses. She proudly told me once how she did all the property transactions on her own. Later she married a colleague in her first job, had a daughter, bought another house with her husband. Her parents and brother (who in the meantime, also completed engineering and started working) sold off their old house and took a flat in her building to help her with bringing up her young daughter.

Suchi always had tremendous support of her parents - throughout her difficult pregnancy, her child's growing years, whenever she needed to travel for office work. Her parents have always been there for her and her husband. She often told me how much pride her father took in his daughter's achievements and how much both the grandparents enjoyed bringing up the granddaughter.

Suchi's story to me has valuable lessons in parenting for all of:

(1) While all of us want the best for our children and try to clear all the hurdles in their path; here was an example of how adversity had helped shape Suchi's personality. It gave her lessons in planning, foresight and focus that no B.school could teach. 

(2) Suchi's parents may not have been able to provide financially very well for the children but they made sure that all their efforts and money was prioritized towards the children's upbringing. This made sure that the children were even more focused towards education and career. The children knew that they needed to succeed and bring happiness to their parents. Her parents compensated for the lack of finances with a lot of love, attention, support and confidence in their children's abilities. 


Compare this to the situation around us today. We see many rich and well-to-do families send their children to the best of schools and colleges with the power of money, provide children with branded goods and provide for costly tuition's. They compensate for their lack of attention with all that money can buy. We also often hear and read about children from well to do families who go astray, loose ambition and even while away their life. 

(3) Suchi once told me that after this particular incident, she has not been fazed by any other problem in life. Every other problem seemed trivial as compared to what she went through. I think she also learnt valuable lessons in how families need to stay together in the face of adversity, prioritize on the most important things of life and help each other succeed. 

As for her parents, what better rewards in the autumn of their life- than to see their children turn into fine and capable young people who will pass on these values to the next generation.

To the Women in my life

Today on Woman's day, I want to pay a tribute to the many women who have made a deep impression on me.

Ofcourse, the list has to start with my mother. She started working immediately after matriculation at 17 with a Government office  to support her family of three sisters and one brother. Married at the young age of 20, and a young mother at 21. I was her firstborn and my sister came five years later and the youngest son another two years later. What was remarkable, was that my father encouraged my mother to continue education after marriage and even while working and with three children, she managed to complete her postgraduate studies. Some of my early childhood memories are of my mom locking herself in a room to study because the three of us tried to trouble her. While she completed her post graduation, she never tried to climb the career ladder till I got married and the other two were well in college. I think she sacrificed on this front to ensure that she did not neglect her family responsibilities. My father passed away fifteen years back and while I was married, the younger two were still to settle down. Looking back, I realize how important her support was to all of us through our life struggles. Often, I reach out to her on phone to talk about the turmoil in my mind and feel much better after talking to her. Many a times, I have realized many of her friends and relatives do the same with her.

Another woman in my life, from whom I learnt much is perhaps my mother-in -law. The key lesson I learnt from her was how to economize on the household front; how to run the house with a limited budget and yet ensuring everybody's needs were very well met. I got first hand lessons on financial planning from her which will stay with me for a lifetime.

There were many women who impressed me over the years- My maid of fourteen years who looked after my kids and who worked herself a lot with the dream of making her son an educated man, an elderly professor who did her Phd along a corporate job and then got into teaching (my inspiration to do the PhD), my sister who has managed to use her creativity to run a successful business from home, a neighboring woman who spent an entire year trying to nurse her sick husband back to health, a very successful estate agent with whom I interacted and realized that behind her successful professional face was a  mother trying to cope up with a young son with Attention Deficit Syndrome(ADS). I often meet women trying to cope with difficult in-laws, difficult husbands, trying to balance home and work, striving to be financially independent, striving to give time to their children, trying to give support to loved ones, trying to nurture their talents and dreams, trying to grow wings, competing against men and outwitting them and all the time striving to find the balance between all the different worlds before them.

I also learn all the while from the young one at home growing into a young lady with her own heart and mind. I realize, she too will one day face the real world  and perhaps realize that the world is not as rosy as her idealistic mind would want it to be. But, I also know that she will find the courage and the will to face the world on her own terms.

Happy Women's Day !!!

Life is simple

I love doing the mundane chores..

I love making the beds, cleaning the cobwebs, hanging out the clothes, folding them neatly and keeping them in their proper places. In fact, after a hard day at office I appreciate the chance to do these mundane chores.

Some people find it surprising. But, I like doing these little things because it helps remind me that life is actually simple.

No doubt, Our metro lives and competitive careers have made our lives complex and stressful. We are continuously running, stressing and worrying about doing everything right and being successful. 

But life is actually meant to be simple. 

We need food, we need shelter, we need to educate our children and we need to grow and learn. To do this, we need to work and we need to earn. Sometimes, we forget this simple truth and end up working ourselves for all the wrong reasons - to buy a bigger house, to have a foreign vacation, to get one up over our competitors. We want to get it right and perfect and want to portray a successful image.

Not only do we stress ourselves, but we also stress our children and want them right from childhood to be role models of success. Many parents stress their children over studies and push them to their limits.

But, we have forgotten that life is actually simple- it is about satisfying our basic needs, about taking care of our loved ones, giving them support,  and appreciating the good things of life. It is about growing ourselves not only professionally, financially and intellectually but also about growing spiritually, in spirit and grace and in generosity. 

The next time we stress ourselves, we need to rethink our priorities. It is important to put our best efforts in everything we do, we also need to  keep motivating ourselves to achieve higher goals - but, we need to ensure that we maintain balance in all the areas of our life.


And, sometimes it is okay to not be perfect and to not win the game. It is okay to lie low, mull over what went right and what went wrong, re-energize our batteries, set new goals, take some risks and set out once again with renewed energies.


Confucius had once said 'Life is simple'. It is-based on the attitude we adopt.