Fate or Free Will

There are times in our lives when we question our personal beliefs and philosophy. One such time occurred in my life 8-9 years ago.

My son was born when I was 24 yrs. For a long time we totally believed that we did not want any more children. But when he turned 8-9 years old, my mind started changing. I felt the need to have a second child. I yearned for a baby who would once again energize the house. I also felt that if I had a second child then long after we were gone there would be somebody for my son of his own.

I decided to take a second chance and conceived when the elder was nearing 10 years.  Before we realized that I was carrying, my husband had taken up an assignment which required him to be situated in a foreign country and throughout my pregnancy he was not at home- came back once in four months. But I was fully confident that I could manage everything on my own.

I worked throughout the term, travelled every day using office transport for an hour and a half one way, switched my role in office and did one of the most interesting projects of my life during this period. I also managed to sell off our old house and completed all the formalities on my own. I periodically visited the gynaec and did regular tests that were advised. Overall, I was very confident that I would have a healthy baby, my delivery would go off very smoothly and I could manage everything on my own.

The baby was expected to be born in the third week of January and my husband had planned a 8 weeks holiday during that time. However, in the second week of November, I started to feel very tired. One morning I got ready to go to office, but felt too weak to step out. My son had already left for school and I decided to lie down for some time. After an hour or so, I felt a little better and decided to go visit the gynaec. The gynaecs clinic was just a 8-10 minutes walk but I realized I was feeling too tired to walk that short distance. The Doctor checked me and was alarmed that I was already having contractions. She asked me to get admitted. I was taken aback. I told her I had an important project and this week was important and I needed to be at work. She asked me where my office was and was shocked to hear that I had been travelling so far in the final trimester. She gave me medicines and said I could go home but would need to monitor and call her at night to report on status. I went back home, took the medicines, worked from home but by night the contractions had not subsided.  Next day morning, I again went to meet her. This time she insisted I must get admitted and I told her I would go home collect my bag and come back. I walked back home but had to stand and rest multiple times.

Back home, I sent a message to my team and manager, cooked a quick lunch for my son, lit the deeya before God and packed a bag to carry to the clinic. I then went to the neighbour and told her that I needed to get admitted and kept a message for my son and the domestic help who came in the afternoon to look after him. My neighbour wanted to come with me but I said I could manage on my own and that she needed to be home to give my message. I went down withdrew money from the ATM and walked to the clinic and admitted myself. Once I admitted myself, I called up my mother and told her my situation. My mother was still working then and was six months away from retirement. I assured her there was nothing to worry at all and she should start at her regular time and come to the clinic.

The doctor immediately put me on IV which had medicines to prevent a premature delivery. For the next 3-4 days, I was on these medicines. The Doctor wanted me to able to cross the minimum term for pregnancy. On the fourth day, they discovered that the baby was missing an heart beat and I was immediately advised a sonography. The sonography revealed that the umbilical chord had gone around the baby’s neck. Now the Doctor was concerned – She felt it was a risk with the umbilical chord around the baby’s neck and the contractions. She advised that we do a caesarean section early in the morning.  During these four days; when my husband called we had told him that I was being kept under observation and there was nothing serious.

I decided there was no need to alarm him in a foreign country by giving him the news of apremature delivery. I told my mother that I was very confident everything would work out fine and that after the baby was born she should call him and give the good news. Early morning, the operation started and I was administered an anaesthesia. When I came into consciousness, the Doctor gave me the good news that it was a girl (something I had secretly hoped for longJ ).

When I was wheeled back into my room, they bought the tiny bundle and kept her next to me. She looked very much like the elder one only much smaller than him. My Mother called up my husband and informed him of the good news. He was overwhelmed with joy.

However, half an hour later she still seemed to have some difficulty in breathing and the Gynaec and Pediatrician came in once again. They advised to admit her to a neo-natal ICU.  Next four days she was in the ICU of which the first two days she was given ventilator support.  I was in the maternity home. My mother would be with her in the morning and would come to sleep with me at night in the maternity home. Every night my mother sat meditating and praying for the little one. But I always assured her that the little one would be perfectly fine.

After four days I felt much stronger and insisted on going to see her. When I reached the neo-natal clinic and went to see her there were 3-4 babies. She was lying there with only a diaper and had an IV. She looked  tiny and vulnerable and my heart reached out to her. I was allowed to feed her and for the first time in two weeks I wondered whether I was being too optimistic about her.

I waited with my mother to see the Pediatrican on duty while my mother sensing my emotions tried to put on a brave front. She told me stories of friends and relatives who had premature babies and today how they all were perfectly healthy individuals. When we went to the Doctor, he advised to keep her in the NICU and to check myself also in the clinic so that they could observe if she was responding well before we could take her home. Just before we left; he also told me there was a small cleft above her buttocks close to the spinal chord and  after two-three months we should do an MRI and check if the cleft was just on the surface or it was deeper. Sometimes, there could be chances of a spina Bifida . I probed into what that would mean. He said in some extreme conditions, this may mean that the child is not able to sit or stand.

That was the last straw. I felt my world collapsing around me. All my courage vanished.

Till this time I really believed that she was going to be fine. I had taken a chance after ten years. If the child had any such problems I would never forgive myself. Over the next week, we bought her home and  I was sure with our  care she would put on weight; But in my post pregnancy state of mind, my worry regarding that cleft grew multi-fold. I searched and read everything about spina-bifida on the internet and worried endless nights about it. I told my husband to come in January as planned earlier – the baby was fine though tiny. I thought if he came now and saw the tiny one; he would go back a worried man. And so I agonized alone about her condition- by now her low weight was secondary –my primary worry was the depth of the cleft.

In these two months, I questioned my philosophy. Till then I really believed that we created our own destiny. I believed that if you wanted anything in life, as long as you put your heart and soul in it you could make it happen. For the first time in my life, I felt that it was not true – that there is some kind of destiny and if so did it really make any sense to have my own goals and put my heart into it? I struggled in my mind with these questions.

Over the next two months, however, my daughter put on weight and by the time she was four five months, she was a really cute healthy child. As soon as possible, I got the cleft checked and it was revealed that it was only skin deep. Today my daughter is eight years old – healthy and happy. This incident is now only a distant memory.

Over the years my thoughts on this subject have evolved and matured. In the initial years, I felt I created my own destiny, this incident made me take a fatalistic view. But over the years I have realized that such incidents happen so that you learn. It is important to articulate your life goals and work towards it with single minded focus and devotion. It is also important to maintain a optimistic and positive outlook towards life. But it is also important to keep the ego( the 'Me') in check and to realize that there is a power higher than yourself.  When things don’t happen the way you want them to happen, it is because there is learning for you. You have to learn to find that learning in the situation, accept it and move on.

“Mann ka ho toh acha ; aur mann ka naah ho toh aur bhi acha”