God exists..

There are multiple times when I send out silent prayers to god and marvel at how they get answered...

Today was one such day.

My college going son called up in the afternoon to say that he needed to submit an assignment and he had forgotten to take it to college. ' Can you please check out my cupboard and keep it ready.. I will come home in the next ten minutes, pick it back and rush back to college'. And so I searched for his assignment papers but could not find it. When he reached home, both of us searched once again but could not find it. He had to rush back to college to give a presentation; so I told him I would continue to search for the assignment.  I searched high and low but could not find the papers and silently  sent out a prayer to god.

Half an hour later, as I sat at my laptop; I received a call from my mobile operator to check whether I had made a payment on my bill that was due. I said I had given a check on the previous day to the person they sent to pick it up. The caller asked me if I could give him the receipt number. The receipt was in my bag and as I took out the receipt, I happened to see the book I had carried to office on the previous day. To my surprise, the assignment papers were in the book. Probably, yesterday when carrying the book to office I had not realized that the papers were in there.

I gave the receipt number and closed the call and once again checked the assignment papers. All of them were very much there. I called up my son and told him about the papers. Had it not been for the call from the mobile operator, I would not have thought of checking in my bag for the assignment papers. 

I marveled at how God had answered my prayers. 


There have been multiple times, when I have had this feeling that God had helped me out. That somebody was watching over me and helping me.There have been times, when in my mind I am searching for answers and those answers come to me in the form of a conversation with somebody, or through something I see on television or something I read . 


And there are also times when I want things to go a certain way, but they are delayed or don't happen the way I want them to happen. Often enough, I have realized when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to happen it is because it was not right for me in the first place - that; I was meant to take a different path(most times, a higher path without narrow or petty considerations). There is a lesson in it for me to learn. 


And so I accept his will.. It teaches me acceptance and helps face the highs and lows of life with balance and equanimity.

Green and Sustainability

In recent times, Green and  Sustainability have become corporate buzzwords. Organizations take great pride and interest in aligning to such strategies. But, I often think Green and Sustainability have to become a philosophy that we once again must adopt to.

I say once again, because in earlier times people led simple lives where environment conservation was part of the lifestyle.

When I was a young child, my grandparents encouraged us to write on black slates and practice the newly learnt alphabets and numbers. When I started going to school I saw the other children write on notebooks. I did not like writing on slate since I thought it was unfashionable. Today we are told to save paper - this in turn would help in saving the trees. I realize how effective slates were in keeping the environment green.

Milk was delivered in glass bottles and cloth or jute bags were used to carry the items purchased from the market. Today, even a little bit of effort on our part could help in saving tons of plastic usage. And yet most of us do not bother to make that additional effort.


In earlier times, Banana leaves were used to lay a good meal. Marriages where hundreds of people would eat were served on well stitched leaf plates. However, today eating out of leaf plates  would be considered de'classe; so what if it helps to save a lot of water - who cares ?


Clothes, Textbooks used by the elder siblings were passed down to the younger ones. Unused papers from notebooks were stitched to make good rough working notebooks. This was considered a sign of prudence and not lack of money. People mainly used public transport. Taxis, autos were rarely used and only the very rich indulged in cars. Today having a car is considered a necessity. The roads are full of traffic, Fuel prices are continuously increasing and the environment is polluted. To counter that, everybody is trying to promote car pooling!!

Earlier, Indians believed in simple living and high thinking. This meant minimalistic living, careful utilization of resources, preserving things for the long term along. We believed in spending on what was really important.

In today's times, we believe in having an entire wardrobe of branded clothes, shoes, watches. We get quickly tired of using the same things and don't believe in using any of them for the long term. We buy things which help in establishing our status symbol. And to meet our growing needs(or is it greed ?) we even take loans.

And then we champion for green and sustainability...

Perhaps our forefathers were far ahead of us in terms of sustainability and also sensibility!!

A story to unfold and a Destiny to fulfill !!

I am amazed to meet old friends and acquaintances.

I often wondered about the class topper from my school days or the twins from my class and where they must be. Thanks to Face book - I have been able to connect to so many of them. When I look at their photos, I try to catch glimpses of their youth and our times together. As I chat with them and hear from them on what they did in the last couple of years – I marvel !!

I marvel at how our lives were very similar upto a certain age; and how now we have been thrown into different lives. Like the topper of the class went on to do a research program and is now a Professor –content with a teaching job and bringing up a daughter.  The naughty twins from the class of tenth are now very responsible professionals- One a captain on the ship and the other doing an accounting job. The girl who was very good at literature is content with being a stay home mom. The boy who was only a little behind me in terms of his rank is now a Chartered Accountant and a partner in an Audit firm. One of the most beautiful girl of the class is now settled happily in the middle-east with her family.  I am also reminded of one of my closest friends from school who succumbed to cancer at the age of 29 leaving behind a three year old son.

And so I marvel at the twists and turn that each of our lives have taken.

And then I realize each one of us has a story to unfold and a destiny to fulfil. !!

Managing difficult people.

I have had my share of managing difficult people in life...

Infact over the years I have often wondered whether I attracted the eccentric types :)  Some stay in my life for a long time and some are around for a short duration. They teach me valuable lessons in patience and acceptance.

One of the most difficult person I met in my life was an elderly female relative. She had an acidic manner, was generally suspicious, did not trust anybody and tried to boss over everyone. In the earlier days of our relation, I could not fathom her and could not find anything good about her. But as days passed, I realized that she was this way because she was unhappy with herself. She had lost her son at an young age and believed that she was the reason for his death. I realized that she was unhappy because she had not forgiven herself as yet for his death. Over the years I was able to accept her the way she was because I could see through her pain.

Long back I also met a manager who was very insecure about me. As a result, he made sure that I was never given any visibility or important opportunities. I waited a long time to go up the right way. And while I waited, I realized that personally he did not wish me bad - actually cared for me in a way but wanted to protect his own position. It took a lot of faith and courage in myself to stick to the job and come up the hard but right way. Today looking back I feel it helped me find my own strength. 

I have a team member who is very valuable in terms of the outcomes he provides. His commitment and knowledge is valuable - but what brings him down is his inability to get along with people and take offence at the slightest  of emails. So many have complained about him and I have personally mentored and counselled him on many occasions. Because of this trait, it becomes difficult to bring him up inspite of his numerous other strengths. I have the difficult task of harnessing his energy positively and I have learned the importance of always trying to bring out the best in people.

There have been some people who taught me to trust a little lesser and be a little more skeptical and for a long time I resented them.

But now when I look back, I realize each one came into my life for a purpose - to teach me something special. Now, instead of resenting them, I feel if I can accept them the way they are - perhaps it will help them accept themselves better !!

Fate or Free Will

There are times in our lives when we question our personal beliefs and philosophy. One such time occurred in my life 8-9 years ago.

My son was born when I was 24 yrs. For a long time we totally believed that we did not want any more children. But when he turned 8-9 years old, my mind started changing. I felt the need to have a second child. I yearned for a baby who would once again energize the house. I also felt that if I had a second child then long after we were gone there would be somebody for my son of his own.

I decided to take a second chance and conceived when the elder was nearing 10 years.  Before we realized that I was carrying, my husband had taken up an assignment which required him to be situated in a foreign country and throughout my pregnancy he was not at home- came back once in four months. But I was fully confident that I could manage everything on my own.

I worked throughout the term, travelled every day using office transport for an hour and a half one way, switched my role in office and did one of the most interesting projects of my life during this period. I also managed to sell off our old house and completed all the formalities on my own. I periodically visited the gynaec and did regular tests that were advised. Overall, I was very confident that I would have a healthy baby, my delivery would go off very smoothly and I could manage everything on my own.

The baby was expected to be born in the third week of January and my husband had planned a 8 weeks holiday during that time. However, in the second week of November, I started to feel very tired. One morning I got ready to go to office, but felt too weak to step out. My son had already left for school and I decided to lie down for some time. After an hour or so, I felt a little better and decided to go visit the gynaec. The gynaecs clinic was just a 8-10 minutes walk but I realized I was feeling too tired to walk that short distance. The Doctor checked me and was alarmed that I was already having contractions. She asked me to get admitted. I was taken aback. I told her I had an important project and this week was important and I needed to be at work. She asked me where my office was and was shocked to hear that I had been travelling so far in the final trimester. She gave me medicines and said I could go home but would need to monitor and call her at night to report on status. I went back home, took the medicines, worked from home but by night the contractions had not subsided.  Next day morning, I again went to meet her. This time she insisted I must get admitted and I told her I would go home collect my bag and come back. I walked back home but had to stand and rest multiple times.

Back home, I sent a message to my team and manager, cooked a quick lunch for my son, lit the deeya before God and packed a bag to carry to the clinic. I then went to the neighbour and told her that I needed to get admitted and kept a message for my son and the domestic help who came in the afternoon to look after him. My neighbour wanted to come with me but I said I could manage on my own and that she needed to be home to give my message. I went down withdrew money from the ATM and walked to the clinic and admitted myself. Once I admitted myself, I called up my mother and told her my situation. My mother was still working then and was six months away from retirement. I assured her there was nothing to worry at all and she should start at her regular time and come to the clinic.

The doctor immediately put me on IV which had medicines to prevent a premature delivery. For the next 3-4 days, I was on these medicines. The Doctor wanted me to able to cross the minimum term for pregnancy. On the fourth day, they discovered that the baby was missing an heart beat and I was immediately advised a sonography. The sonography revealed that the umbilical chord had gone around the baby’s neck. Now the Doctor was concerned – She felt it was a risk with the umbilical chord around the baby’s neck and the contractions. She advised that we do a caesarean section early in the morning.  During these four days; when my husband called we had told him that I was being kept under observation and there was nothing serious.

I decided there was no need to alarm him in a foreign country by giving him the news of apremature delivery. I told my mother that I was very confident everything would work out fine and that after the baby was born she should call him and give the good news. Early morning, the operation started and I was administered an anaesthesia. When I came into consciousness, the Doctor gave me the good news that it was a girl (something I had secretly hoped for longJ ).

When I was wheeled back into my room, they bought the tiny bundle and kept her next to me. She looked very much like the elder one only much smaller than him. My Mother called up my husband and informed him of the good news. He was overwhelmed with joy.

However, half an hour later she still seemed to have some difficulty in breathing and the Gynaec and Pediatrician came in once again. They advised to admit her to a neo-natal ICU.  Next four days she was in the ICU of which the first two days she was given ventilator support.  I was in the maternity home. My mother would be with her in the morning and would come to sleep with me at night in the maternity home. Every night my mother sat meditating and praying for the little one. But I always assured her that the little one would be perfectly fine.

After four days I felt much stronger and insisted on going to see her. When I reached the neo-natal clinic and went to see her there were 3-4 babies. She was lying there with only a diaper and had an IV. She looked  tiny and vulnerable and my heart reached out to her. I was allowed to feed her and for the first time in two weeks I wondered whether I was being too optimistic about her.

I waited with my mother to see the Pediatrican on duty while my mother sensing my emotions tried to put on a brave front. She told me stories of friends and relatives who had premature babies and today how they all were perfectly healthy individuals. When we went to the Doctor, he advised to keep her in the NICU and to check myself also in the clinic so that they could observe if she was responding well before we could take her home. Just before we left; he also told me there was a small cleft above her buttocks close to the spinal chord and  after two-three months we should do an MRI and check if the cleft was just on the surface or it was deeper. Sometimes, there could be chances of a spina Bifida . I probed into what that would mean. He said in some extreme conditions, this may mean that the child is not able to sit or stand.

That was the last straw. I felt my world collapsing around me. All my courage vanished.

Till this time I really believed that she was going to be fine. I had taken a chance after ten years. If the child had any such problems I would never forgive myself. Over the next week, we bought her home and  I was sure with our  care she would put on weight; But in my post pregnancy state of mind, my worry regarding that cleft grew multi-fold. I searched and read everything about spina-bifida on the internet and worried endless nights about it. I told my husband to come in January as planned earlier – the baby was fine though tiny. I thought if he came now and saw the tiny one; he would go back a worried man. And so I agonized alone about her condition- by now her low weight was secondary –my primary worry was the depth of the cleft.

In these two months, I questioned my philosophy. Till then I really believed that we created our own destiny. I believed that if you wanted anything in life, as long as you put your heart and soul in it you could make it happen. For the first time in my life, I felt that it was not true – that there is some kind of destiny and if so did it really make any sense to have my own goals and put my heart into it? I struggled in my mind with these questions.

Over the next two months, however, my daughter put on weight and by the time she was four five months, she was a really cute healthy child. As soon as possible, I got the cleft checked and it was revealed that it was only skin deep. Today my daughter is eight years old – healthy and happy. This incident is now only a distant memory.

Over the years my thoughts on this subject have evolved and matured. In the initial years, I felt I created my own destiny, this incident made me take a fatalistic view. But over the years I have realized that such incidents happen so that you learn. It is important to articulate your life goals and work towards it with single minded focus and devotion. It is also important to maintain a optimistic and positive outlook towards life. But it is also important to keep the ego( the 'Me') in check and to realize that there is a power higher than yourself.  When things don’t happen the way you want them to happen, it is because there is learning for you. You have to learn to find that learning in the situation, accept it and move on.

“Mann ka ho toh acha ; aur mann ka naah ho toh aur bhi acha”

ShubhamKaroti Kalyanam...

Shubham Karoti Kalyanam
Arogyam Dhanasampada
Shatrubuddhi Vinaashaayak
Deep Jyoti namostute...


This was a prayer we were taught to say when we were children. Every evening, the deeya was lighted and we kids would get together to say this prayer. Roughly translated, the prayer means ;'O Lord, I have lit the lamp - let good fortune, health and wealth prevail. May feelings of enemity be destroyed. I bow before the lamp here'.

When I was a child, I did this evening prayer as a ritual. Later, when I got married I still said this prayer every evening- of course with a little more devotion. But it is only now that I find so much more meaning in lighting the deeya and saying this prayer.


When I come home in the evening, my mind is cluttered with thoughts of personal and professional challenges. When I light the deeya and say this prayer, once again my mind is filled with peace and positive energy.


Once again I find strength and a feeling of "All is well and will be well...."

Beauty...

Last week, I was watching a repeat of a Miss Universe program. The beautiful contestants gathered from across the world had chiseled bodies and perfect faces. Across many rounds, they showed their beauty, charm, talent and intelligence. But for some reason their beauty did not reach out to me.

I realized over the years my definition of beauty had changed. I tried to look back at who in the recent past I had found beautiful.

An old Professor I met some years back.  She reflected strength, peace, knowledge. There was a certain serenity on her face which comes from years of experience and having weathered multiple personal and professional storms. Most importantly, even at this age she had a childlike desire and enthusiasm to do new things. She left me inspired.

Recently, I also encountered beauty when I had taken my daughter to the doctors clinic. She was probably a second time mommy in her mid thirties- heavily pregnant– sitting there with her husband and daughter. Though not conventionally beautiful, her face glowed with a certain contentment which comes when you have a family to love and a companion to grow old with.

My aunt would often worry about marrying off her daughter who was rather plain looking. Many proposals later, she finally found a suitable husband for her daughter and married her off. I was unable to attend her wedding – but met the young couple a few months later at another wedding. The young woman had actually transformed and looked quite attractive. I couldn’t help noticing the young couple were in a world of their own throughout the wedding. Was it love that had transformed the plain looking young girl into an attractive and confident young lady?

My definition of beauty had certainly undergone a lot of change. Beauty is what comes from within and touches your heart...